TO: All Regional Promoters
FROM: Executive Committee
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Logistics for the upcoming 2Hollis 2027 tour
Please review the routing for the newly announced 2Hollis 2027 tour immediately. We are booking this trek across North America and Europe over a three-year period. This strategy will maximize fan anxiety. Do not leak these dates early. Our legal team cannot defend another stampede.
Phase One Protocol
The first leg begins in deep winter. We will trap teenagers in unheated parking lots. They will wear thin hyperpop merch in sub-zero weather. This builds character and increases hoodie sales. You must enforce a strict no-coat-check policy at every venue.
"We want the audience completely numb before the bass drops," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "The 2Hollis 2027 tour relies heavily on hypothermia. Cold kids buy more energy drinks to stay alive."
Transatlantic Logistics
The tour crosses into Europe by late spring. We booked cargo ships instead of jets. The artist will sail across the Atlantic ocean slowly. He will livestream the water for four months straight. Fans must watch the stream to unlock presale codes. This ensures peak engagement metrics on Spotify.
"Our metrics show that fans love waiting," said Gary Vance, Senior Vice President of Manufactured Anticipation. "By scheduling the 2Hollis 2027 tour three years in advance, we lock in ticket money now. We will invest those funds into high-yield savings accounts. The interest alone will pay for his fog machines."
Please confirm you received this memo by destroying your laptop. We cannot let the public know we planned this far ahead. We need them to think the delay was caused by customs officers seizing his synthesizer. Good luck.
