Business
Recall Issued For S&P 500 After Widespread Volatility Defect Discovered
Regulators issued a safety recall for the S&P 500 and stock index futures after millions of portfolios experienced sudden structural failure.
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Business
Deadpan business satire about corporate culture, earnings calls and executives who definitely exist.
Business
Tech Earnings Playbook: 5 Terrifying Milestones Big Tech Will Hit This Quarter
Consult our satirical tech earnings playbook to see what absurd milestones Amazon, Microsoft, and Alphabet will hit this week.
Business
Wall Street Court Transcript Reveals Brokers panicking Over Stock Market Sell-Off
A court transcript reveals brokers panicking during a stock market sell-off, admitting their trading strategies rely on foam dartboards.
Business
Warner Music Synch Department Merges Entire Staff Into Single Sentient AI Spreadsheet
The Warner Music synch department has merged into a single sentient AI spreadsheet to maximize corporate synergy.
Business
Recall Issued For Dow Jones Industrial Average Following Severe Point Drops
Regulators issued a safety recall for the Dow Jones Industrial Average after severe point drops threatened consumer financial safety.
Business
7 Insane Sacrifices Homebuyers Made Now That Mortgage Rates Dropped
Prospective buyers perform absurd trade-offs after mortgage rates dropped slightly this week.
Business
Court Hearing Reveals Plan to Merge Tesla and SpaceX Into Giant Metal Sphere
A court transcript reveals the chaotic strategy behind the merger between Tesla and SpaceX.
Business
Tesla-SpaceX Merger To Create First Intergalactic Auto Repair Monopoly
A historic Tesla-SpaceX merger unites electric vehicles and rocket ships to create the ultimate intergalactic transport monopoly.
Business
6 Perks Included In The New Walmart Membership Bundle
Discover the absurd benefits of the new Walmart membership bundle, from bulk mayo privileges to total town takeover.
Business
SpaceX Share Handout for Kids Sparking Federal Fraud Investigation
A court transcript reveals the chaotic fallout after children received a SpaceX share and immediately disrupted global equity markets.
Business
SpaceX Shares For Kids Announced In Leaked Corporate Memo
Leaked internal memo reveals detailed plans regarding SpaceX shares for kids, aiming to expand equity to millions of toddlers.
Business
Mark Wahlberg Launches Affordable Longevity Gym For Working Class Immortal
Mark Wahlberg has launched an affordable longevity gym aimed at helping everyday workers biohack their way to living until age 140.
Business
Wall Street Traders Double Down On AI Debt During Meltdown
Court records show Wall Street traders took on massive AI debt while hoping algorithms would invent a new form of math to erase losses.
Business
Wall Street Panics As Micron Stock Run Stalls Near Edge Of Universe
Investors worry the historic Micron stock run may finally hit a wall after expanding past the literal edge of the known universe.
Business
Tech Giants Announce Dress Rehearsal for AI Reckoning
Silicon Valley hosts a dress rehearsal for AI reckoning to help investors practice panicking before the actual tech bubble bursts.
Business
Leaked Memo Reveals It’s Too Late for Small Fixes at Pepsi
A leaked internal memo proves it’s too late for small fixes at Pepsi, forcing executives to deploy extreme measures to save stock prices.
Business
SAFETY NOTICE: Ticket Scalping Scheme Affects Millions of Concert Tickets
Federal regulators issue an urgent recall after a massive ticket scalping scheme compromised 18.5 million concert tickets nationwide.
Business
Leaked Memo Reveals Tech Donors Funding Gold Dance Floors
Leaked corporate memo orders tech donors funding gold dance floors to reclassify millions in luxury ballroom expenses as cloud infrastructure.