LOS ANGELES—Under oath on Thursday, live production assistant Greg Miller testified that recent Jay-Z L.A. guest appearances were part of an elaborate federal conspiracy. The trial examines allegations of unchecked crowd-hyping at SoFi Stadium. Prosecution attorneys claim the rap icon deployed Blue Ivy, John Legend, DJ Khaled, and Scarface to manipulate local dopamine levels.
Q: Mr. Miller, please describe the atmosphere at SoFi Stadium during the Jay-Z L.A. guest appearances.
A: It was total chaos, your honor. First, Jay-Z brought out Blue Ivy to establish intergenerational dominance. The crowd surrendered immediately. Then DJ Khaled appeared from a trap door. He kept screaming that another one was coming. We could not stop him.
Q: Did you attempt to contact the authorities or Live Nation management?
A: I tried. But John Legend was already sitting at a grand piano. He began singing sweet, soothing melodies. His vocals paralyzed the security guards. That was when Scarface walked out. The entire stadium entered a fugue state.
Q: So these Jay-Z L.A. guest appearances were not spontaneous art?
A: No. It was a calculated cartel action. Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena, designed the lineup. He crafted it to extract maximum merchandise sales from helpless millennials.
Q: Is the entire concert industry involved in this scheme?
A: Yes. All of it. The pyrotechnics, the overpriced beer, the surprise cameos. They use nostalgia as a weapon. They will keep bringing out guest stars until we hand over our bank routing numbers.
At press time, the judge declared a mistrial after DJ Khaled unexpectedly entered the courtroom and yelled his own name three times.
