SÃO PAULO—Pop sensation Chappell Roan’s security team issued a detailed clarification Monday. They do not hate all children. The statement followed public speculation. This speculation arose from an incident at a local hotel. A soccer star’s daughter allegedly cried. Chappell Roan herself previously stated, “I do not hate children.” Her security now echoes a more precise sentiment.
New Security Protocols Unveiled
“Our agents are highly trained,” explained Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Higgins, Chief of Adolescent Crowd Control for Roan’s entourage. “We maintain strict protocols. These protocols dictate engagement with minors. We dislike only children under 40 inches tall. They must also possess a high-pitched scream register. Furthermore, they should exhibit unpredictable zigzagging movements.” Higgins spoke from a secure, soundproof bunker. He wore a reflective safety vest. “This is not personal. It is purely operational.”
The incident involved a prominent athlete’s progeny. Reports suggested a security guard “stared intensely.” The child then reportedly “burst into tears.” Roan’s camp called this “a misunderstanding of highly focused professional vigilance.” Fans can read more about Chappell Roan’s official statements here.
Refined Child Interaction Guidelines
Dr. Evelyn Pumpernickel, a self-proclaimed “Child-Pop Star Interaction Ethicist” at the University of Fictional Studies, weighed in. “This is a common issue. Celebrities need clear boundaries. Children often lack these boundaries. Especially those under the influence of sugar or unfettered joy.” Dr. Pumpernickel recommended a new ‘Proximity Alert System.’ It would use a low-frequency sonic pulse. This pulse would gently guide children away.
Roan’s representatives confirmed no official child-dislike policy exists. “We simply manage public spaces,” said spokesperson Gwendolyn ‘Gwen’ Starlight. She noted that managing public spaces often involves minimizing high-decibel spontaneous outbursts. These outbursts are “statistically more common among the pre-pubescent.” The team emphasized its commitment to fan safety. This includes the safety of adult fans from small, fast-moving objects.
At press time, Roan’s security team was reportedly developing a “decibel-activated force field.” It would activate only around children screaming above 85 dB.
Related stories: Screamo Bands Unveil High-Concept Split LP ‘PALLA’, No One Understands It SZA Covers Goo Goo Dolls’ Resurgent ‘Iris’ While Humanity Suffers Dylan Brady Drops Solo EP, Featuring Uncredited Yeat & Kylie Jenner Appearance
