WASHINGTON— The Department of Justice announced Thursday that dozens of missing Epstein files, including records of interviews with a Trump accuser, were not actually ‘missing’ in the traditional sense, but rather ‘temporarily unavailable for public perusal due to an unexpected, yet voluntary, internal relocation effort.’ The FBI maintained that the sensitive documents were simply engaging in a sophisticated game of hide-and-seek with themselves. This grand game began sometime between 2017 and 2021. It has since escalated into a full-blown competitive sport within federal archives.
A New Form of Archival Management
“We believe the files are merely exploring their own autonomy,” stated Agnes Periwinkle, Chief Document Emancipation Officer for the National Archives. “They are testing the boundaries of their physical existence. It’s a natural phase for any collection of sensitive information. We support their journey of self-discovery.” Periwinkle suggested that the files might have become “overwhelmed” by their own importance. This led to a collective decision to seek a quieter, less scrutinized environment. Investigators discovered several Post-it notes near the empty folders. They read, “Don’t look for us, we’ll look for you,” and “It’s not you, it’s us.”
The files reportedly included dozens of records. These detailed the investigation into Jeffrey Epstein. They also contained interviews concerning allegations against Donald Trump. Department officials remain optimistic. They expect the documents to reappear once they feel sufficiently “rested.”
The Search Efforts Continue…ish
FBI Director Christopher Wray confirmed limited search efforts were underway. These efforts included checking under various rugs and inside office plant pots. “We are committed to locating these documents,” Wray said. “However, we must respect their privacy. Forcing them back into the public eye might traumatize them. It could lead to further, more elaborate disappearances.” Wray added that agents had even tried luring the files back with fresh toner cartridges and promises of a quiet corner. So far, these attempts have been unsuccessful.
One theory suggested the files were attempting to form their own independent sovereign nation. It would exist entirely within the digital ether. Another posited they were merely staging an elaborate protest. This protest would be against the very concept of transparency. “They might be trying to teach us a lesson,” mused Dr. Philo Farnsworth III, a tenured professor of Sentient Paper Studies at Georgetown University. “Perhaps they feel overworked. Maybe they want a paid vacation. Or a better benefits package.” He noted that documents, like people, can experience burnout. He pointed to historical instances of self-shredding memos and rebellious microfiche. (More on the documents’ potential demands here).
At press time, a small sticky note was found on the FBI server. It simply read, “Out to lunch. Be back never.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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