TO: All A&R Staff
FROM: Underground Strategy Division
RE: Proposed Xaviersobased Sabrina Carpenter collab album
We need to discuss the upcoming schedule. Underground rap icon Xaviersobased recently issued a public statement regarding pop star Sabrina Carpenter. He claimed he could knock out a whole album with her in one afternoon. We are treating this statement as a binding corporate directive. Effective immediately, all staff must clear their calendars to facilitate this project.
Phase One: Pitching Pop Royalty
Our goal is simple. We must secure a full-length Xaviersobased Sabrina Carpenter collab before Friday. Staff members should pitch her team a blend of blown-out 808 bass and bright pop hooks. Do not mention that our artist records vocals inside a closet. Emphasize the unique artistic synergy instead.
"The market demands blown-out underground beats over polished radio vocals," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Our predictive models show teenagers will stream anything that sounds like a lawnmower running over a synth."
Phase Two: Logistical Hurdles
We face minor operational challenges. Sabrina Carpenter currently tours major arenas worldwide. Meanwhile, our artist refuses to record in studios that possess valid fire permits. We must bridge this gap immediately. We need her team to approve distorted pluggnb beats by noon tomorrow.
"I offered to trade three rare Soundcloud files for her email," said Marcus Bellweather, Vice President of Unsolicited Collab Requests. "Her management blocked my phone number instantly. That means we are making progress."
We must finalize the Xaviersobased Sabrina Carpenter collab before our artist forgets he made the claim online. If her team declines, we will simply drop her vocal stems into an audio editor without permission and upload the result to SoundCloud under a fake account name.
