TO: All Audio Engineering Staff
FROM: Studio Operations
RE: Production protocols for the John Mayer new song 'Tom and Jerry'
Please review these mandatory guidelines immediately. Mr. Mayer assembled a dream team of world-class session players. They will work around the clock. Their sole goal is perfecting cartoon slapstick sound effects. We must treat this John Mayer new song with absolute reverence. Do not laugh when the bassist mimics a frying pan hitting a cat.
Corporate Studio Directives
Our budget is currently three million dollars. Most funds will cover specialized instruments. Bassist Thundercat spent four days tuning a slide whistle. Legendary drummer Steve Gadd recorded 400 takes of a single cymbal crash. He wanted it to sound like a mouse stepping on a rake.
"I stop at nothing until the sound becomes a picture," Mayer told staff during morning devotionals. "If a slide guitar does not evoke a dog chasing a bowling ball down stairs, we start over."
Technical Requirements and Tone Goals
p>Engineers must isolate the exact frequency of a running character slipping on a banana peel. Use vintage analog tape only. Mr. Mayer insists that digital plugins lack the warmth of a classic concussion. The John Mayer new song requires ultimate sonic precision."We are pushing the boundaries of jazz fusion and physical comedy," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our data shows listeners want complex chords that sound like teeth shattering."
Management expects total compliance. We must deliver this master track to Columbia Records by midnight. Otherwise, Mr. Mayer threatened to record an entire album using only squeaky shoes.
