LOS ANGELES—Olivia Rodrigo’s new single, “the cure,” was officially deemed medically ineffective Tuesday. Critics observed its sound owed more to The Smashing Pumpkins. This diverged from traditional pop anthems. The track failed to alleviate any known human ailments. This occurred during preliminary trials. The song released ahead of her new album, you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love.
Listeners had reportedly begun using the song as a substitute for actual medicine. Reports included attempts to treat common colds. Others tried chronic pain or persistent coughs. They used only repeated listens. None proved successful. The “cure” instead reportedly induced a vague sense of melancholy. It also sparked a sudden urge to buy flannel shirts.
Listeners Report Minimal Efficacy
“We observed zero improvement in symptoms across all control groups,” stated Dr. Philomena Cankles. She is Lead Investigator at the National Institute of Musical Wellness. “Several participants developed a newfound appreciation for distortion pedals. This was unexpected. We had hoped for a cure. Or at least a reduction in inflammation. Instead, they just wanted to talk about Billy Corgan’s vocal range circa Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.”
The track received widespread praise from music critics. They noted its striking resemblance to the grunge-era band’s signature sound. This artistic depth, however, apparently does not translate into pharmaceutical benefits. Fans expected a soothing pop balm. Instead, they received three minutes of angst-ridden guitars and angsty introspection. The Smashing Pumpkins’ influence was clear. For a musical breakdown, read the original review.
Regulatory Bodies Issue Warning
The Federal Bureau of Auditory Health (FBAH) issued a formal advisory. “Do not ingest Olivia Rodrigo’s new single, ‘the cure,’ orally or intravenously,” warned Chief Regulatory Officer Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Grumble. “It is not a vaccine. It is not an antibiotic. It is, unequivocally, a song. A pretty good song, some might argue. But still just a song.” He added that anyone experiencing medical symptoms should consult a licensed healthcare professional. They should not consult their Spotify playlist.
The confusion reportedly stemmed from the single’
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
Related stories: ‘It Takes Two’ Finally Flatlines: Rob Base Anthem Deemed Legally Deceased Dua Lipa Concert Film Now Legally Binding Travel Document Jazz Trombonist Ryan Porter Dead At 46, Trombone Sales Skyrocket
