FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The Federal Reserve announced Wednesday that it will hold rates steady in a historic effort to prevent the United States economy from making any sudden movements. Central bank leaders confirmed that maintaining absolute paralysis remains the primary objective for the quarter.
A Bold Strategy of Sitting Still
"We are thrilled to hold rates steady today," said Arthur Vance, Chief Enthusiasm Officer at the Federal Reserve. "By doing absolutely nothing, we ensure maximum stability. Our rigorous analysis shows that if anyone breathes too heavily, inflation could instantly double."
Investors reacted to the news by staring intently at financial monitors without blinking. According to data from the Federal Reserve System, frozen assets remain the most literal and effective hedge against unpredictable market forces.
Experts Praise Complete Inaction
Market analysts universally celebrated the central bank's decision to maintain total immobility. They noted that action of any kind creates dangerous momentum.
"This is a masterclass in aggressive motionless management," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The Fed sent a clear signal today. That signal is a flatline, which is precisely what the market needs right now."
About the Federal Reserve: Founded in 1913, the Federal Reserve is a fictional regulatory body designed to keep cable news channels filled with panicked commentary. The institution holds no real power, controls no actual money, and relies entirely on public belief to prevent the collapse of the U.S. dollar.
