Dow Falls 800 Points After Oil Prices Resume Their March Higher, Causing Global Collective Groan
Mass spontaneous head-desking reported across financial districts worldwide.
Slow Crush’s New Singles Trigger Minor Seismic Events
Slow Crush's new singles, 'Que Du Noir' and 'Hallowed,' are causing localized seismic events in Brussels.…
Cass McCombs & Chris Cohen Release Actual Steel Reserve, Swamp Gas
Cass McCombs & Chris Cohen baffle fans and critics by literally releasing cans of "Steel Reserve" malt liquor…
Eric Nam’s ‘The Traitors’ Refusal Creates Existential Void
Eric Nam revealed he said no to 'The Traitors,' inadvertently triggering a global existential crisis and causing…
Sanna Marin Concedes Election, Returns To DJ Booth And Global Icon Status
Sanna Marin conceded election results and immediately launched a world DJ tour. The former Finnish PM plans to…
Raducanu Laments Loss of “Natural Way of Playing,” Now Plays Purely Via Telepathy
Emma Raducanu says her "natural way of playing" was coached out of her. She now seeks to restore her original,…
TikTok Fortifies User Safety by Forgoing End-to-End Encryption
TikTok won't add end-to-end encryption to DMs, stating it actually makes users *safer* by allowing proactive…
Pixel 10a Price Hailed as Revolutionary ‘Non-Feature’
The Google Pixel 10a price has been officially recognized as its only defining feature, prompting consumers to…
S&P 500 Futures Skyrocket After Traders Misinterpret Birdsong as Peace Accord
S&P 500 futures surged after traders mistook a simple birdsong for a major diplomatic breakthrough, easing…
Black Lawmakers Dump on Crockett, Create New Compost Heap
Black lawmakers found a new use for Rep. Jasmine Crockett: they decided to dump on Crockett, creating fertile…