WASHINGTON—Unsealed judicial proceedings on Tuesday exposed a shocking collusion between top political strategists to scrap planned appearances across the country after discovering the nation's crowd-for-hire supply had completely dried up.
THE COURT: We will now hear testimony regarding the motion to scrap planned appearances for the upcoming election cycle.
Q: Please state your full name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs.
Q: Mr. Quill, why did the campaign decide to scrap planned appearances in key battleground states this weekend?
A: We ran out of people who could cheer convincingly. The global supply chain for paid audience members collapsed in late October. We tried importing enthusiastic nodders from Canada, but customs seized them.
Q: Is it true that you personally advised leadership to scrap planned appearances rather than perform to an empty field?
A: Yes. A politician needs a backdrop of cheering humans to survive. Without at least forty men wearing identical red hats behind the podium, the severe lack of crowd noise causes immediate organ failure.
Q: Mr. Quill, aren't there millions of actual voters available in these states?
A: Real voters are unpredictable, counsel. They ask questions. They don't clap on cue. That is why the entire political industry relies on crowd-rental agencies like the ones monitored by CNBC. When those agencies run dry, you simply cancel the show and claim bad weather.
Q: So the entire campaign schedule was a illusion based on rented enthusiasm?
A: Counsel, the entire modern political process is three guys with megaphones and six hundred crisis actors holding signs that say 'Local Farmers For Everything.' If we cannot rent the farmers, we stay on the plane.
