Music
Snail Mail Unveils “Tractor Beam” Song, Uses Actual Tractor Beam on Fallon
Snail Mail’s performance of new song “Tractor Beam” on Fallon involved literal tractor beam effects, levitating objects and possibly the artist.
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Music
Earl Sweatshirt, MIKE, & SURF GANG Drop “Leadbelly” Amidst Existential Dread
Earl Sweatshirt, MIKE, & SURF GANG’s new single “Leadbelly” drops, continuing their tradition of bleak, introspective hip-hop.
Music
Gelli Haha’s “Klouds Will Carry Me To Sleep” Blamed For Increased Cloud Subscriptions
Gelli Haha’s new song “Klouds Will Carry Me To Sleep” causes massive cloud storage subscriptions. Fans seek digital slumber.
Music
FKA twigs Sues Shia LaBeouf Over NDA; Mime Contract Violations Feared
FKA twigs Sues Shia LaBeouf Over NDA after actor’s team claimed ‘not feeling safe’ was a breach. Legal experts now grapple with defining silence as an actionable offense.
World
Soap Opera-TikTok Hybrids Now Billion-Dollar Business
Soap opera-TikTok hybrids are a billion-dollar business. Users are hooked on rapid-fire, dramatic plots and cliffhangers. The genre’s addictive nature fuels its success.
Music
Squirrel Flower’s “Wheels” Unearths Childhood Trauma
Squirrel Flower’s new single “Wheels” explores childhood trauma, inspired by Pop-Tarts and bad B-minuses.
Music
MLB Stadiums Declare Bankruptcy After Paul McCartney’s Historic Bongos Performance
MLB stadiums are going broke after concerts by artists like Paul McCartney grossed more than the venues themselves are worth.
Music
Aja Monet Preps New Album, Finds Meaning In Tiny Dust Bunnies
Aja Monet’s new album ‘The Color of Rain’ finds inspiration in dust bunnies and lint. The project features Mick Jenkins and Vic Mensa.
Music
Hammock’s New Single Could Be Last Flaming Lips Collab
Hammock’s new single, featuring Wayne Coyne & Steven Drozd, might be their last. Accidental collaboration leaves fans baffled.
Music
Johanna Samuels – White Limousine Sparks Global Chauffeur Crisis
A new Johanna Samuels – White Limousine song sparks unprecedented global demand for luxury vehicles, causing economic chaos and social unrest.
Music
MAGA Pussycat Doll Claims Exclusion, Cites ‘Patriotic’ Choreography
A former Pussycat Doll claims she was excluded from the reunion tour because she’s MAGA, citing ‘patriotic’ dance moves.
Music
Marin Concedes Election, Plans ‘Aggressive Decompressing’ Schedule
Finnish PM Sanna Marin conceded election defeat Sunday, citing an overwhelming desire to finally decompress. Her new schedule involves aggressive unwinding.
Music
2026 Summer Slaughter Tour Blamed for National Whiplash Epidemic
The highly anticipated 2026 Summer Slaughter Tour, featuring bands like Hatebreed, is now being linked to a nationwide surge in neck injuries. Medical professionals are bracing for impact.
World
TSA ICE Tips Led To Arrests, Agency Claims ‘Total Success’
TSA ICE tips at SFO deemed a ‘resounding success’ by Homeland Security. Agents now flag travelers for mismatched socks or unpeeled bananas for ‘holistic security’.
Music
DHS Funding Deal Falters as Lawmakers Discover It Requires Governing
The DHS funding deal stalled as lawmakers discovered federal agencies require actual money, not just abstract concepts, to function.
Politics
Nation Finds Consensus: Presidential Approval Low
A recent poll found 100% of Americans agree on the specific number of President Trump’s low approval rating, creating an unprecedented national consensus.
Music
Jay-Z on Drake-Kendrick Feud: ‘Unprofitable, Lack Vision’
Hip-hop icon Jay-Z on Drake-Kendrick feud: he finds the battle “unprofitable” and “lacking vision.” He suggested corporate restructuring.
Music
Mon Laferte’s Femme Fatale Tour Promises Existential Dread
Mon Laferte’s ‘Femme Fatale Tour’ will bring a ‘noir sound’ to North America, reflecting fans’ bleak financial outlooks.