ANCHORAGE, AK—A federal court released official transcripts Tuesday revealing how the implementation of ranked choice voting completely destroyed Alaska’s basic educational infrastructure. Below is an excerpt from the sworn cross-examination of political strategist Greg Vance, who unwittingly exposed the horrific systemic collapse of regional ballot arithmetic.
Q: Mr. Vance, please state your full name for the record.
A: Gregory Thomas Vance. I advise non-partisan electoral campaigns, primarily focusing on electoral reform.
Q: Let us talk about ranked choice voting. You championed this system, correct?
A: We promised voters a modern, dynamic democratic experience. We told them preference hierarchies would heal partisan divides.
Q: And what actually happened when citizens entered the voting booths?
A: Total mathematical anarchy. People panicked. They began carrying abacuses into primary precincts. The state’s top pollsters tried to calculate second-choice transfers and accidentally summoned an ancient mathematical demon. We lost three county clerks to the void.
Q: Isn't it true that ranked choice voting rendered standard addition entirely obsolete in municipal schools?
A: Look, nobody foresaw the fallout. By election night, second-graders refused to add two plus two without establishing a run-off protocol. Teachers resigned instantly. Entire school districts replaced standard long division with complex instantly-eliminated preferential matrices just to tally attendance.
Q: Did your team profit from this confusion?
A: Profit is a strong word. We simply sold high-powered graphing calculators to desperate citizens at a 4,000 percent markup. Every campaign manager in North America knew the math was impossible. The whole political consulting industry runs on keeping voters entirely baffled by simple fractions. If people understand the tally, we lose our contracts.
Q: So ranked choice voting was never about open primaries at all?
A: Of course not. It was a joint venture with the national calculator lobby to bankrupt municipal treasuries. We intentionally broke simple counting so we could bill states hourly to fix democracy. Everyone in Washington does it.
Q: No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
A: Wait, do I rank my answers now? Does the jury eliminate my third response in the next round?
