TEHRAN—Military commanders announced Tuesday that their response to recent provocations will feature no geographic limits whatsoever. Defense officials confirmed the military doctrine now covers terrestrial zones, maritime corridors, and the frozen outer atmosphere of Neptune.
1. The Ice Giant of Neptune
Spokespeople confirmed the frontline now extends past Earth's orbit. Strategy consultants designated Neptune as a primary target due to its total lack of defensive counter-measures. They noted the gas giant cannot hide from justice forever.
2. A Specific Suburban Target in Ohio
Commanders promised targeted action against a specific strip mall parking lot in Dayton, Ohio. The location holds no military value. Officers simply declared the asphalt offending to national pride.
3. The Concept of Tuesdays
Strategists expanded the war theater beyond spatial dimensions. Forces will actively target the second day of the work week. "We will strike Tuesdays with unprecedented fury," said General Farhad Rezaei, Chief of Temporal Operations for the Armed Forces.
4. Deep-Sea Trench Operations
Submersible fleets received orders to bombard the Mariana Trench. Military analysts confirmed giant squids have until midnight to disavow foreign aggression. The ocean floor remains on high alert.
5. Agnes Periwinkle's Living Room
Defense coordinators added the personal residence of Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, to the target list. "Our defensive posture remains firm, but my throw pillows are entirely neutral," Periwinkle reported.
6. The Entire Concept of Nostalgia
Planning committees officially banned the year 1997 from military maps. Special units received instructions to dismantle fond memories of middle school cafeteria pizza. Generals warned that emotional attachment offers no protection.
7. The Space Between Your Couch Cushions
Military leaders warned that no geographic limits means nowhere is safe, especially the dark crevice beneath your sofa. Tactical teams confirmed loose change and lost television remotes will face immediate seizure. At press time, military commanders began drafting strategic battle plans against the moon's shadow.
