LONDON—Pressure mounts on Kanye West to be pulled from his headline role at the upcoming ‘Summer Solstice Sound Spectacular.’ Festival organizers announced a novel plan. They will replace the controversial artist with a team of highly trained mimes.
The decision followed weeks of public outcry. Critics cited West’s recent public pronouncements. ‘We needed someone who could truly embody the spirit of silent contemplation,’ stated Prunella Figglebottom, Chief Conceptual Curator for Live Events at the British Academy of Ineffable Performance Arts. ‘Our mimes can capture the profound silence of a star-filled sky. They do it without uttering a single word. This is a stark contrast to… well, you know.’ She pointed to the long history of silent performance as a precedent.
The festival stage will now feature invisible walls. Performers will trap themselves in imaginary boxes. They will struggle against the invisible forces of the cosmos. Organizers believe this will offer a more ‘meditative and less divisive’ experience. The setlist will reportedly include ‘The Sound of One Hand Clapping’ and ‘Waiting for Godot (Silent Disco Remix).’ The latter will be performed in a silent disco format.
A Quieter Controversy
Not everyone welcomed the change. ‘This is an outrageous affront to audible expression,’ declared Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Clang, President of the Society for Loud Noises and Perceived Volume. ‘Our ears demand sound. Our hearts yearn for controversial lyrics. Where will the audience get their daily dose of public outrage now? Silent suffering is simply not the same.’ His organization threatened to picket the festival with vuvuzelas.
West’s Silent Retreat
Sources close to West indicated he was ‘deeply moved’ by the development. He reportedly began practicing his own invisible wall technique. He plans to perform an entire album in a transparent soundproof booth. This would allow him to be present but unheard. The festival also plans a ‘build-your-own-invisible-sandwich’ food stand. Attendees can mime eating their imaginary food. Organizers hope to set a Guinness World Record for collective mimed mastication. The pressure mounts on Kanye West to embrace this new, quieter persona.
At press time, festival security was reportedly preparing for the inevitable wave of fans attempting to hug the invisible walls.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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