Dow Falls 450 Points; Investors Blame Unnamed Invisible Gremlins
The Dow plunged this week as oil hit $90 and jobs data disappointed. Investors blame invisible gremlins,…
Dow Futures Drop as Market Panics Over Existential Dread of Squirrel
Dow futures drop sharply as a local squirrel's erratic nut-burying behavior sends markets into a tailspin,…
Trade Desk Stock Crashes After Revealing It Only Sells Digital Ads To People Who Own More Than Two Devices
The Trade Desk stock plummeted after revealing its ads only target people with 3+ devices. Investors question…
CAVA Stock Soars as Customers Discover Food They Can Afford
CAVA stock soared after earnings, as CEO notes customers are back to eating food they like, not just what's cheap.
Stock Futures Inch Higher, Threatening Planetary Tilt Ahead of Nvidia Earnings
As stock futures inch higher ahead of key Nvidia earnings, scientists warn the Earth itself might tilt. The…
AI Doomsaying Claims S&P 500 Will Fall 40% This Week
New AI-doom posts predict a 40% S&P 500 crash, but markets remain calm. Analysts buy AI stocks, believing AI will win.
Stock Futures Plummet After Trump’s New Tariffs on ‘Everything’
Stock futures fall as Trump's new tariffs target 'everything' including air and optimism, sending global markets…