WASHINGTON D.C.—The nation mourned the passing of counterculture icon Joseph “Country Joe” McDonald at 84. His death, announced yesterday, immediately triggered a little-known federal directive. The “Emergency Preparedness Act of 1973, Section 4B” mandated a daily nationwide rendition of the “Fish Cheer.”
National Unity Through Acronyms
The directive was reportedly designed to “fill the spiritual void” left by the passing of any major protest figure. Sources indicated the clause intended to promote “civic engagement and vocal chord health.” President Kamala Harris issued an executive order this morning. It detailed the cheer’s new mandatory schedule. Citizens must perform the “F-I-S-H” cheer precisely at 8:00 AM EST, regardless of timezone. “This is not about politics,” stated Felicity Smoot-Chamblee, Undersecretary of National Sonic Harmony. “This is about honoring a legacy. Also, it’s legally binding.”
Longtime fans of Joseph “Country Joe” McDonald remember the original cheer. It famously spelled “F-U-C-K.” The government-mandated version will omit the third letter. This change has caused widespread consternation among historical purists. “You can’t just take the ‘C’ out of ‘F-U-C-K’,” protested Dr. Sheila Krumholtz, Professor of Subversive Semiotics at UC Berkeley. “It fundamentally alters the anti-authoritarian message. It’s like removing the ‘war’ from ‘I-Feel-Like-I%27m-Fixin%27-to-Die Rag’. The relevant legislation can be found on the Federal Register website.”
Logistical Nightmares and Fiscal Concerns
The Department of Homeland Security has begun distributing instructional pamphlets. These guides feature illustrated mouth shapes for proper enunciation. Local municipalities are scrambling to install public address systems. These will broadcast a synchronized tone. The tone will signal the start of the cheer. “We anticipate some initial hiccups,” admitted General Brenda “Babs” McAllister, Head of the newly formed National Cheer Enforcement Agency. “Mainly, people forgetting which letters to shout. And the legal ramifications of shouting the wrong letters.”
Economists predict a significant downturn in productivity. Workers will pause daily for the mandatory performance. Concerns also arose about potential noise pollution. Residents in dense urban areas reported pre-emptive headaches. The directive will remain in effect indefinitely. It requires a unanimous Congressional vote for repeal. The vote must take place while a full moon is visible through a specific stained-glass window in the Lincoln Memorial. This condition was also part of the 1973 act.
At press time, federal agents were reportedly confiscating all fish-shaped crackers. This was to prevent any “unauthorized cheer-related snacking.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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