LOS ANGELES—Thursday accepted the challenge to cover 4 Non Blondes’ “What’s Up,” plunging the post-hardcore band into a profound existential abyss. Sources close to the group reported immediate, visible soul erosion. Musora, a music lessons app, orchestrated the sonic crucible. The band members reportedly spent days in a state of quiet dread. The 1993 pop anthem now stood as their personal Mount Doom.
The Echo of Linda Perry
“We merely asked them to adapt a song,” stated Brenda Funderburg, Musora’s Head of Musical Torture. “We did not anticipate a full-blown spiritual emergency.” Funderburg spoke from behind a blast shield. She claimed the band’s vocal warm-ups now consisted solely of primal screams. The challenge series previously saw jazz artists covering Nirvana. Folk duos tackled System Of A Down. Norwegian metallers even covered a-ha. These prior acts seemed like mere warm-ups for Thursday’s ordeal. The band members grappled with lyrics they once considered anathema. The very fabric of their artistic integrity began to fray. They reportedly argued for hours over the proper amount of angst for “And I say, hey-ey-ey.” For context, fans can revisit the original 4 Non Blondes track.
The band, known for their melancholic intensity, struggled with the song’s inherent cheerfulness. Guitarist Steve Pedulla was observed attempting to play a major chord. He reportedly recoiled in physical discomfort. Vocalist Geoff Rickly reportedly fasted for three days. He then attempted to channel the song through the lens of pure, unadulterated despair. This proved largely ineffective. The melody, relentlessly upbeat, resisted all attempts at subversion.
A Journey Into Pop Purgatory
“It felt like watching a black hole try to swallow a rainbow,” remarked Dr. Agnes Plum, a Celebrity Existential Therapist. She remotely monitored the band’s studio sessions. “The psychological toll was immense. Every note chipped away at their carefully constructed identities.” Dr. Plum noted an alarming increase in spontaneous weeping. Band members sometimes cried during chord changes. This was particularly true during the chorus. The project initially aimed to expand their musical horizons. It instead became a dark night of the soul. The experience redefined their understanding of suffering. They now reportedly prefer true silence to any melody. This included their own back catalog. Their fans, meanwhile, waited with bated breath. Many wondered if their heroes would emerge intact. Or would they forever hum “What’s Up” in a minor key?
The studio engineers reported strange occurrences. Microphones spontaneously developed a sparkly, pop-friendly sheen. Amplifiers began emitting faint, shimmering synth pads. The band’s own instruments seemed to betray them. They refused to produce the raw, distorted tones Thursday was known for. This forced them to confront their pop destiny. The final recording, still unreleased, is rumored to contain subliminal messages of longing for the sweet release of deathcore. Fans can explore Thursday’s own discography at their official website for a reminder of who they once were.
At press time, Thursday announced a world tour. It would be entirely acoustic. They plan to perform nothing but the “What’s Up” cover. Each show will last eight hours.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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