COPENHAGEN—The new track, Croatian Amor – “Regret” (Feat. School Of X & Niko), released today, has sent shockwaves far beyond the music charts. Reports confirm the song induces immediate, tangible regret in listeners, prompting them to physically reverse past actions. The experimental electronic piece, from artist Loke Rahbek, caused widespread societal disarray within hours of its debut. Individuals found themselves mid-action, undoing choices previously made.
The Auditory Paradox
Early data suggests the song’s unique frequency directly triggers the brain’s regret centers. This then manifests as an overwhelming urge to undo specific decisions. “I was halfway through eating a taco,” explained Dr. Fiona “Fifi” Applebaum, Chrono-Ethicist at the University of Copenhagen. “Then ‘Regret’ came on. I immediately saw the taco as a poor life choice. I felt compelled to un-eat it, piece by piece, back into its wrapper.” Dr. Applebaum added that she also felt an inexplicable desire to un-download her dating apps. More on the song’s release can be found at Stereogum.
The collaborators, School Of X and Niko, have not commented on the song’s unexpected side effects. Sources close to the project suggest “School Of X” is a literal, albeit mysterious, institution for pre-cognitive children. Niko, a supposed student, contributed a key vocal sample. This sample is now believed to be the primary catalyst for the song’s reality-bending properties. Spontaneous apologies were issued across the globe. Unsent emails reappeared in drafts folders. People even found themselves meticulously re-folding laundry they had just put away.
Unintended Consequences
The global economy teetered on the brink as consumers regretted countless purchases. Return counters at major retailers experienced unprecedented surges. “We saw a man attempt to return his own wedding ring,” reported Bartholomew “Barty” Crumple, Head of Retrospective Consumer Behavior at the Department of Commerce. “He said listening to Croatian Amor – ‘Regret’ made him realize he actually preferred being single. Our policy doesn’t cover that.” Crumple noted a dramatic dip in impulse buys, replaced by an equally dramatic surge in “un-impulse” buys.
Emergency services received calls regarding individuals trying to “un-burn” toast or “un-spill” coffee. Traffic jams formed as drivers attempted to reverse directions, regretting their morning commute. Psychologists reported a new phenomenon: “Retroactive Shame Disorder,” directly linked to the track. Many expressed a sudden, profound sorrow for past fashion choices.
At press time, the Danish government issued a public health warning, advising citizens to listen to “Happy” by Pharrell Williams as a potential counter-measure, though results remained inconclusive.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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