LOS ANGELES—A Neil Diamond lost album, recorded with legendary producer Rick Rubin 19 years ago, has finally resurfaced. The album, tentatively titled “Still Groovin’ (Just Very Slowly),” will hit shelves this fall. Industry insiders expressed mild surprise. They had long since forgotten its existence. Mr. Diamond himself reportedly needed a reminder.
Dusting Off the Decades
The project began in 2005. Diamond and Rubin entered the studio then. They aimed for a raw, acoustic sound. The sessions concluded swiftly. Then the master tapes vanished. They were found last Tuesday. A production assistant discovered them. They were behind a forgotten stack of Chicken Soup for the Soul books. The books were in a storage locker. It was beneath a defunct Blockbuster Video.
“This Neil Diamond lost album represents a monumental archaeological find,” stated Dr. Evelyn Chroma. She is the Chrono-Musical Archivist at the Institute for Unnecessary Delays. “It fills a crucial 19-year gap. It shows what music sounded like in 2005. This is invaluable data for future generations. They will know we listened to music then.” Dr. Chroma believes the album offers unique insight into the specific mood of the mid-2000s, “a simpler time, before everything got complicated by, you know, everything.” She pointed to its perfect timing. It aligns with the new Hugh Jackman film “Song Sung Blue.”
The album features eleven tracks. All are classic Diamond compositions. They are stripped down. Rubin’s minimalist touch is evident. One track, “Forever in My Head (But Not My Release Schedule),” has already garnered buzz. Early listeners report it sounds “exactly like Neil Diamond.” This has surprised precisely no one.
A Glimpse Into a Simpler Time
“We always knew Neil was ahead of his time,” mused Chad “The Chisel” McHammer. He is the CEO of Vintage Vibe Records. “Turns out he was just really, really behind. But in a good way. Like a fine wine, or a really slow internet connection from 2005. It just took 19 years to download the master files.” McHammer believes the album perfectly captures the “pre-streaming existential dread” of the era. He envisions a vinyl release. It will include a sepia-toned photo of a flip phone. A companion website will offer dial-up modem sounds.
The album’s release strategy is unique. It involves no pre-orders. There will be no digital singles. Fans must wait until November 2024. This mirrors its original 2005 release plan. This was before plans became “strategies.” And before “release” meant “dump on Spotify at midnight.” Sources close to the project say Diamond is “thrilled to finally get this out.” He hopes fans enjoy “this trip down memory lane.” A memory lane, they clarified, that ends abruptly in 2005.
At press time, Rick Rubin reportedly could not recall recording the Neil Diamond lost album. He was busy meditating on a new project. It was with a forgotten ’90s boy band.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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