LOS ANGELES—United Airlines officially rolled out its new “Basic Polaris Business” fare yesterday. The airline stripped down its premium cabin offerings even further. Passengers will now bring their own seating and supply jet fuel. This move follows a trend of offering “no-frills” premium experiences.
The New Bare Minimum
The revamped Basic Polaris Business class eliminates several previous amenities. Gone are complementary seat cushions and windows. Passengers must now also provide their own oxygen masks. “We heard our customers,” stated Millicent Periwinkle, United’s Head of Existential Travel. “They wanted more choice. Now they choose whether to breathe.” Industry analysts predict a surge in portable oxygen tank sales. The airline still offers a “premium” experience. This includes access to the aircraft fuselage. United Polaris Business Class previously included actual seats.
Passengers are encouraged to arrive early. This allows time to secure their personal recliners. They must also load their individually sourced aviation-grade kerosene. A small surcharge applies for use of the overhead bin space. This space will now house passenger-supplied engines. Flight attendants will offer “guidance” on engine installation. They will not provide tools. The Basic Polaris Business fare still grants boarding priority. This allows first access to the best unadorned floor space.
Industry Praises Innovation
“This is truly disruptive innovation,” said Dr. Thaddeus G. Puddle, a self-proclaimed Aviation Futurist and enthusiast of extreme minimalism. “Why pay for what you can bring yourself? This empowers the modern traveler. They can craft their own unique in-flight environment.” Dr. Puddle noted the potential for passengers to bring custom-built, artisanal wings. These could enhance personal flight efficiency. Travelers worldwide celebrated the savings.
United confirmed the Basic Polaris Business fare is non-refundable. It is also non-transferable. Passengers are responsible for all personal property. This includes any aircraft components they bring aboard. Lost or damaged jet engines will not be replaced. Carry-on limits still apply to external wingspans.
At press time, a passenger attempted to board with a full-sized hot air balloon.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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