MIAMI—Passengers aboard the infamous S.S. Rodentia, a hantavirus cruise ship, prepared for disembarkation yesterday. Their relief was short-lived. Cruise line officials announced a mandatory ‘Spirit-Lifting Sing-Along Soiree.’ The event was set to precede any departure. Passengers had endured a two-week quarantine. They had also dodged aerosolized rodent droppings.
A New Kind of Luxury
“We understand the public health concerns,” stated Captain Barnaby ‘Barnacle’ Blight, Chief Morale Officer for ‘Plague-Ridden Pleasure Cruises, Inc.’ “But true healing begins with a song. Especially when that song is ‘My Heart Will Go On’ performed by a disgruntled microbiologist.” Blight noted the company’s commitment to “holistic wellness.” He pointed to new onboard amenities. These included a newly installed disco ball. Its reflective surfaces could “disinfect by dazzling.”
The S.S. Rodentia had docked in international waters for weeks. Authorities debated containment protocols. Passengers reported dwindling snack supplies. They also noted an increase in impromptu interpretive dance competitions. Many felt the mandatory singing was a final straw. It eclipsed even the viral threat.
Health Officials Baffled
“This is unprecedented,” said Dr. Philomena ‘Philly’ Phlegm, Head of Infectious Disease Karaoke at the CDC. “Our models did not account for forced show tunes. We usually just recommend rodent control and ventilation. This strategy adds a layer of psychosocial complexity. We are now developing a vaccine for tone-deafness.” Dr. Phlegm sighed deeply. She adjusted her sequined respirator.
One passenger, Mildred Piffle, 78, reportedly refused to sing. She claimed a “pre-existing aversion to power ballads.” Her protest inspired others. Soon, a full-blown silent disco rebellion formed. It occurred within the ship’s quarantined ballroom.
At press time, the captain announced a new policy: all passengers must now perform a dramatic monologue from a Broadway musical before receiving medical clearance.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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