MEMPHIS—The Cohen reelection bid officially ended yesterday. The veteran Democratic Rep. Steve Cohen announced his retirement. This came after Tennessee’s latest redistricting efforts. Cohen’s bid for a twelfth term had been considered a formality. His newly drawn district then gained sentience. It rejected him outright.
District Demands More ‘Vibes’
“We just felt a shift,” stated Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Jenkins, self-proclaimed “Voice of Tennessee’s 9th Congressional District.” Mr. Jenkins spoke from a large trench coat. Several children appeared to be helping him. “The district simply… woke up. It looked at Rep. Cohen. Then it politely requested a new human representative. Someone with more ‘synergistic vibrational frequencies’.”
Sources close to the newly sentient geographical area confirmed its demands. The district, now identified simply as “The Ninth,” issued a press release. It was delivered via a flock of unusually coordinated pigeons. The release outlined its new political platform. It included mandatory communal napping. It also included a ban on all forms of beige.
Cohen Remains Undeterred, Sort Of
“This is unprecedented,” said Dr. Philomena Crystalline, Lead Geomancy Ethics Officer at the Institute for Inanimate Governance. “Usually, districts just sit there. They absorb the human drama. This one decided it had opinions. Strong opinions. Especially about Rep. Cohen’s preferred brand of office coffee.” She cited a recent incident. The district spontaneously rerouted a major highway. It did this because it disliked the “negative energy” of a specific gas station.
Rep. Cohen issued a statement. He expressed his “profound respect for the democratic process, however amorphous.” He also acknowledged the district’s “newfound existential clarity.” He suggested a new hobby. Perhaps competitive napping. Or artisanal beige-dyeing. He reportedly packed his belongings. This included a framed photo of a particularly beige wall. He also mentioned exploring new opportunities. These opportunities might include “consulting for inanimate objects seeking self-actualization.” His staff confirmed he was last seen. He was trying to engage a municipal park bench in a philosophical debate. The bench remained silent.
At press time, The Ninth district was reportedly forming a TikTok account. Its first post was a scathing review of local zoning laws.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
Related stories: Clairo Details Progress On Fourth Album, Admits ‘It’s Different’ Drake’s ‘Iceman’ Album Features 3 Hours of Pure Disappointment Drake Drops Three Albums At Once, Fans Mildly Confused
