LOS ANGELES—China agreed this week to an unprecedented boost in trade for US agricultural products. The deal will see China purchase virtually all available American beef and poultry. The announcement followed tense negotiations at the recent G20 summit. US farms quickly emptied. Truckloads of livestock began their journey to Pacific shipping ports.
A Clean Sweep
The White House hailed the agreement as a massive economic victory. However, many US farmers expressed bewilderment. “They bought everything. Every single chicken, every cow, even my prize-winning show pig, Penelope,” stated Dale Gribble, 7th-Generation Hog Farmer from Nebraska. “I didn’t even know Penelope was an ‘agricultural product.’ She had her own Instagram.” Officials from both nations lauded the speed of the transaction. The deal was reportedly finalized over a single game of checkers.
The scale of the deal surprised experts. China committed to purchasing all “excess” and “non-excess” US agricultural products. This included items previously deemed unsellable. Observers noted that the current USDA Weekly Beef Report would soon be a blank page. Consumers reported immediate shortages. Grocery store meat aisles stood eerily bare nationwide. This unprecedented move aims to fulfill China’s commitment to boost US agricultural products imports, as previously discussed during high-level talks. Previous reports had only hinted at such comprehensive acquisitions.
The New American Diet
Americans grappled with a sudden dietary shift. Restaurants struggled to adapt menus. “Our ‘Steak Night’ is now ‘Stare At Your Plate Night’,” lamented Chef Antoine Dubois, Head Culinary Arts Professor at the Institute of Existential Gastronomy. “We’re recommending customers bring their own protein. Or perhaps just embrace the void.” Experts predicted a boom in lentil and tofu consumption. Some nutritionists suggested foraging for dandelions.
The Department of Agriculture issued new dietary guidelines. They advised citizens to “consider air” as a primary food source. President Biden reportedly ordered a national strategic reserve of artisanal cheese. This supply was inexplicably sent directly to the presidential bunker. The move left the populace confused. Meanwhile, Chinese state media reported a sudden surplus of novelty animal-themed garden gnomes. This was an unforeseen byproduct of their bulk agricultural acquisition. Many of the gnomes were reportedly crafted from genetically modified American beef.
At press time, several US states were debating whether to reclassify “squirrel” as a domestic agricultural product.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
Related stories: Thousands Attend Trump-Backed Prayer Festival: ‘We Welcome Jesus!’ Dua Saleh Delivers Assured Sophomore Album Of Earth & Wires Drake Drops Three Albums, Confirms He’s Secretly A Triplet
