CHICAGO—John Robinson, a 43-year-old Chicago resident, recently experienced a profound artistic crisis. He realized he was too old to be in a band to watch. This devastating epiphany struck him last summer. He attended a concert by the acclaimed young noise-rock trio Lifeguard. The show took place at The Masquerade in Atlanta. Robinson found the performance incredibly impressive. He was also deeply unsettled by the band’s raw talent. Lifeguard’s youthful energy felt like a personal indictment. He saw their skill as a stark contrast to his own stalled aspirations. The experience confirmed his worst fears about his own musical future. He declared his dreams of rock stardom officially deceased. The band to watch phenomenon was no longer accessible to him.
The Crushing Weight Of Youth
Robinson, who recently launched his own experimental jazz-fusion project, “Dad Rock Disco,” expressed his despair. “These kids are barely old enough to drive,” he lamented. “They’re already headlining sold-out shows. They play with a ferocity I haven’t felt since I discovered power chords in 1992.” He admitted to feeling a pang of jealousy. His own band’s debut gig was at a local retirement home. Attendees mostly slept through their set. “I just don’t see the point anymore,” Robinson sighed. “My midlife crisis has officially manifested as an inability to be relevant.” He believes the era of the band to watch has passed him by.
Seeking New Avenues Of Irrelevance
Robinson is now exploring new avenues for artistic expression. He is considering competitive dog grooming. He also thought about artisanal cheese making. He hopes these fields offer a more forgiving age demographic. His bandmate, Leela Hoehn, offered a different perspective. “John’s being dramatic,” Hoehn stated. “We’re still a band to watch. Just maybe not in the way we initially hoped.” Hoehn is exploring TikTok trends. She hopes to find something relatable for their demographic. Robinson, meanwhile, has started listening to smooth jazz exclusively. He feels it better reflects his current existential state. He has abandoned all hope of ever being considered a band to watch.
At press time, Robinson was reportedly inquiring about licensing fees for early 2000s indie rock songs. He wanted to use them as background music for his audiobook memoir.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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