LOS ANGELES— Angélique Kidjo’s new album, “Hope!!”, has reportedly expanded its list of guest artists beyond all reasonable expectations. Initially featuring an impressive roster including Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers, and Quavo, sources now indicate the album will host nearly every living person with a Spotify account. Industry insiders suggested the project has become less of a collaborative album and more of a global census.
An Unprecedented Assembly of Talent (and Others)
Recording sessions have reportedly ballooned. Engineers now navigate a labyrinth of pop stars, jazz legends, and surprisingly, several local librarians. “We started with a mixing board,” explained Barry ‘The Bass’ Jenkins, Chief Audio Wrangler for Universal Music Group, “Now we have a fully staffed air traffic control tower. Just yesterday, we had to delay a flute solo because the guy who fixes my internet wanted to lay down a track.” Jenkins’ statement came as he pointed to a heavily annotated whiteboard detailing microphone assignments for “The Entire Cast of Cats (2019 Film).” Learn more about the original announcement here.
The album’s sheer volume of contributors has presented unique challenges. Producers reportedly installed a revolving door directly into the vocal booth. Each artist gets exactly seven seconds to contribute. This includes Grammy winners and the family dog who wandered into the studio. Logistics teams have begun coordinating schedules for “everyone you’ve ever met” and “people you only vaguely remember from high school.”
“Hope!!” or “Chaos!!”?
Label executives initially lauded the inclusive spirit of Angélique Kidjo’s new album. Now they merely look tired. “It’s a bold artistic statement,” mumbled Dolores Umbrage, Vice President of Strategic Synergies at Interscope Records, wiping sweat from her brow. “We just didn’t realize the statement was ‘everyone gets a turn.’ We’ve had to lease additional recording studios in three different continents. The catering budget alone could fund a small nation’s space program.” She then excused herself to mediate a dispute between a renowned tabla player and a guy who really likes playing the spoons.
The album’s runtime has become another point of contention. Early estimates suggested “Hope!!” might span several hours. Current projections indicate it could rival the length of a full season of prestige television. Fans wonder if the album will be released on traditional formats. Some speculate it may instead come as a subscription service. The final track, reportedly a collaboration involving every human being on Earth humming simultaneously, is still in its nascent stages.
At press time, Angélique Kidjo announced a special deluxe edition of “Hope!!” will include a bonus disc featuring every single unrecorded thought of every collaborator.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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