SEOUL—Global internet infrastructure buckled this week. Millions of BTS fans simultaneously attempted to answer the pressing question: Which Song on BTS’ New Album ‘ARIRANG’ Is Your Favorite? Vote! The online poll, hosted by several major K-Pop news sites, quickly overwhelmed servers. Reports indicated a 3,000% surge in traffic. Financial markets briefly paused. Air traffic control systems experienced minor glitches. All systems struggled under the weight of ARMY’s collective opinion. The new album, ‘ARIRANG,’ dropped last Friday. Its 14 tracks immediately captivated listeners worldwide.
Global Infrastructure Crumbles Under Fandom
“We never anticipated this level of coordinated digital patriotism,” stated Dr. Elara Vance, Chief Data Resilience Officer for the United Nations’ Department of Internet Stability. “Our models account for natural disasters. We prepare for cyber warfare. We did not, however, budget for a global K-Pop fan base all trying to select ‘Track 4: Serendipity’s Echo’ at the exact same second.” Dr. Vance spoke from a bunker in Geneva. She sipped heavily from a lukewarm energy drink. The internet backbone of several small nations had completely dissolved. Emergency internet was being routed through carrier pigeons. Previous internet outages pale in comparison, according to her. Major ISPs reported unprecedented levels of lag. Even the International Space Station reported a slight delay in its connection to Earth. Astronauts briefly thought they had been abandoned.
The voting platforms crashed within minutes of opening. Fans reported seeing error messages in multiple languages. Many simply showed a GIF of a spinning purple heart. Some dedicated fans resorted to sending their votes via fax. Others attempted to telepathically project their preferences. Neither method proved effective. The initial results of the “ARIRANG” fan poll remain inconclusive. Early data suggested a three-way tie. ‘Track 7: Quantum Kimchi,’ ‘Track 11: Busan Moonlight Serenade,’ and ‘Track 2: Euphoria’s Afterglow’ were neck and neck.
“Every Song Is My Favorite!”
“It’s an impossible choice,” declared Brenda ‘BTS_4Life’ Chang, 47, a retired alpaca farmer from Boise, Idaho. She spoke through a crackling satellite phone. “How can I pick just one? Each track is a masterpiece. Each note speaks to my soul. I tried to vote for all of them. The website just gave me a sad face emoji.” Ms. Chang had been awake for 72 hours. She had consumed only instant coffee and BTS fan cams. Her alpaca, Sir Reginald Fluffington, looked on with mild concern. He had not received his morning pellets. Experts warned of potential long-term internet damage. The intense data traffic could permanently warp fiber optic cables. It might even alter the Earth’s magnetic field. This could lead to a future where all communication occurs via interpretive dance.
BTS’s management company, Big Hit Entertainment, released a brief statement. They acknowledged the “overwhelming enthusiasm.” They asked fans to “please hydrate.” They offered no solution for the crippled global network. The company’s stock price, however, had soared. It reached an all-time high. Investors shrugged off the global digital collapse. They instead focused on album sales. The album ‘ARIRANG’ has already broken streaming records. It sold out physical copies instantly. Most of the world remained offline. Only the most dedicated fans could access the internet. They streamed the album repeatedly. This further strained the few remaining operational servers.
At press time, a new online poll was launched. It asked, “Are You Experiencing Internet Connectivity Issues Due to the BTS ‘ARIRANG’ Favorite Song Vote?” The poll immediately crashed the last functioning server.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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