Music
TikTok Fortifies User Safety by Forgoing End-to-End Encryption
TikTok won’t add end-to-end encryption to DMs, stating it actually makes users *safer* by allowing proactive monitoring of personal chats.
Section
Music
Satirical news and absurd commentary on the music industry, artists, charts and everything in between.
Music
Pixel 10a Price Hailed as Revolutionary ‘Non-Feature’
The Google Pixel 10a price has been officially recognized as its only defining feature, prompting consumers to embrace a new era of refreshing mediocrity.
Music
S&P 500 Futures Skyrocket After Traders Misinterpret Birdsong as Peace Accord
S&P 500 futures surged after traders mistook a simple birdsong for a major diplomatic breakthrough, easing U.S.-Iran fears.
Music
Rustie’s “Trizkel Sun” Proves He Can Still Melt Your Face Off
Rustie’s new track ‘Trizkel Sun’ proves his maximalist sound is back and stronger than ever. A sonic rebirth for the influential producer.
Music
Weird Nightmare’s New Song Reminds Listeners of Their Own Deepest Fears
Weird Nightmare’s new single ‘Pay No Mind’ induces terrifying personal nightmares, making it a uniquely unsettling hit.
Music
Octo Octa Unveils Sigils For Survival, Declares House Music Now A Survival Skill
Octo Octa’s new album, Sigils For Survival, offers house music as a practical survival tool. Hear the single “Survival Groove.”
Music
Charlie Puth Joins AI Company As Chief Music Officer, Promises More Autotune
Charlie Puth joins AI company Moises as Chief Music Officer, promising to imbue algorithms with his signature sound. The move sparks debate on AI’s role in music.
Music
Kanye West Malibu Mansion Trial: Tony Saxon Denies ‘Fraudulent Fungus’
Kanye West Malibu Mansion Trial: Tony Saxon denies fraud, calls hallucinogenic mold ‘artistic enhancement.’ Jury samples offered.
Music
Aftershock Festival 2026 Lineup Declares Music Is Back, Or Possibly Never Left
Aftershock Festival 2026 lineup features Tool, My Chemical Romance, Limp Bizkit, and Pierce the Veil, sparking nostalgia and confusion.
Music
Teyana Taylor Declares 2026 The Year Of The Artist’s Takeover
Teyana Taylor declared 2026 the Year of the Artist’s Takeover at the NAACP Image Awards 2026. Don Toliver is still deciding his next move.
Music
Gia Margaret’s ‘Good Friend’ Proves It’s Okay To Lean On A Synth
Gia Margaret’s new song ‘Good Friend’ uses AI backing vocals. It explores loneliness and artificial companionship.
Music
Dutch Interior’s ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ Unwittingly Solves Nation’s Politeness Crisis
Dutch Interior’s latest single, “Go Fuck Yourself,” has inadvertently transformed society, fostering unprecedented levels of politeness and efficiency.
Music
Tracey Nelson – ‘Dolly’s Coat’ Single Mysteriously Shrinks All Outerwear
The new single, Tracey Nelson – ‘Dolly’s Coat,’ released Friday, has reportedly caused a nationwide shrinking of all outerwear, baffling experts and listeners alike.
Music
Most Powerful NC Senator Loses Mind Counting Individual Ballots
A powerful NC state senator trails by two votes, prompting an absurd self-recount of granular objects, not ballots, in the North Carolina Senate race.
Music
SUSS Announce New Album, Bandmates Still Unsure Who SUSS Is
SUSS Announce New Album ‘Counting Sunsets,’ but industry insiders admit they still don’t know who the members are, leading to existential dread.
Music
Portrayal Of Guilt New Album Spurs Unprecedented Wave Of Public Confessions
Portrayal Of Guilt new album “…Beginning Of The End” triggers an unforeseen wave of public confessions, bringing society to a standstill.
Music
Hard-Fi’s New Album Finally Arrives, Confirming Band Still Exists
Fans braced themselves for the inevitable wave of mild nostalgia.
Music
Texas Primary Takeaways: Voters Demand Candidates Possess Tangible Form
Key takeaways from Texas primaries reveal voters now prioritize candidates with discernable physical properties, leading to historic wins for the ‘solid’ slate.