WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today regarding the new Phoebe Bridgers EP released exclusively on Tidal. Federal agents warned that exposure to the five-song collection may induce sudden lethargy. Consumers reported extreme disorientation after trying to locate the obscure streaming service. The official notice flags all units of the live recording. Officials urged immediate deletion of the files to prevent further harm.
Hazard Assessment and Affected Units
The recalled product consists of five live tracks recorded at Madison Square Garden. Regulators identified a critical defect in the audio delivery system. Listeners who downloaded the Phoebe Bridgers EP reported an overwhelming urge to stare blankly at ceiling fans. The hazard intensifies when users attempt to remember their old Tidal passwords. This mental strain can cause mild confusion and temporary loss of will.
"We logged three hundred cases of acute melancholy in two hours," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Subjects exposed to the Phoebe Bridgers EP on Tidal showed a distinct drop in heart rate. Many simply laid down on their living room rugs. They refused to get back up for several days."
Mandatory Remedy and Disposal
The Commission advises all affected consumers to stop using the streaming platform immediately. Authorities recommend switching back to standard vinyl records or ambient white noise machines. The agency confirmed that over four thousand digital units fell under this directive. Technical crews are currently deploying software patches to block access. Affected users can claim a full refund in the form of a physical hug.
"The hazard lies in the combination of whispery vocals and audiophile pricing," said Agent Franklin Mercer, CPSC Chief Inspector of Indie Rock Hazards. "Our lab tests proved that high-fidelity sadness overwhelms standard consumer defense mechanisms. We must contain this release before it impacts the general public."
At press time, federal agents were wearing hazmat suits to safely uninstall the Tidal app from seven compromised iPhones.
