Music
Drake Honors Nelly Furtado, Rallies Against Juno Awards Past Beef
Drake inducted Nelly Furtado into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, but spent most of his video addressing his long-standing beef with the Juno Awards.
Section
Music
Satirical news and absurd commentary on the music industry, artists, charts and everything in between.
Music
Haywire Covers Trapped Under Ice, Summons Cro-Mags’ Harley Flanagan
Haywire’s concert strategy reached new heights with a Trapped Under Ice cover in Baltimore and summoning Harley Flanagan in NYC.
Music
Wu-Tang Concert Refunds Issued After Attendees Realize Group Wasn’t Complete
Australian Wu-Tang concert refunds have been offered after fans reportedly noticed fewer than 9 core members on stage, leading to widespread confusion.
Music
The Pussycat Dolls Confess Hits Were Just Everyday Noise
The Pussycat Dolls revealed their iconic hits ‘Don’t Cha’ and ‘Buttons’ originated from accidental noises like sneezes and cat play, not songwriting.
Music
Billboard Hot 100 Top 10 Countdown Demands Live Sacrifices
The Billboard Hot 100 Top 10 Countdown has become sentient, issuing bizarre demands to artists and fans, threatening to erase discographies.
Music
Iran Threatens to ‘Rain Fire’ on US Troops, World Braces for Literal Flaming Precipitation
Iran’s threat to ‘rain fire’ on US troops causes global meteorological panic, as armies prepare for literal flaming droplets rather than metaphorical conflict.
Music
Dow Futures Fall as Traders Prepare for Worst by Hiding Under Desks
As Dow futures fall, Wall Street resorts to blanket forts and therapeutic slime. Experts advise ‘chilling’ amidst looming global conflict fears.
Music
Chilli Insists ‘I Am Not MAGA,’ Blames Smart Toaster Oven For Political Donations
TLC’s Chilli insists ‘I Am Not MAGA’ after political donations surface. She blames an ‘automated recurring small donation’ error from a smart-home device.
Music
Government Bonds Rallying as Public Trusts Flimsy Promises Over Reality
Government bonds were rallying this week as investors, citing slowdown concerns, began flocking to instruments that promised to lose money slowly but predictably.
Music
Android 17 Features Unveil Breakthrough in Phone-Based Self-Loathing
New Android 17 features promise to fundamentally transform user interaction, providing unprecedented tools for digital self-reflection and chronic low-grade anxiety.
Music
Lindsey Buckingham Teases Stevie Nicks Reunion, Hints At A New Duet Album
Lindsey Buckingham teased a potential reunion with Stevie Nicks, hinting at new music. Fans are buzzing about a possible Buckingham Nicks comeback.
Music
Remaining Big Country Members Tell Drummer: Stop Touring as ‘Big Country’
The “Big Country Drummer Must Stop Touring As Big Country” dispute escalated. Remaining members cited ‘historical inaccuracies’ and ‘general math’ in their legal filing.
Music
BTS Shatters Records With ‘Arirang’ Sales, Proving Humanity Still Matters
BTS’s ‘Arirang’ album shattered sales records, proving human connection still trumps AI in music.
Music
Benson Boone Wants You To Know He’s A ‘Wanted Man’ With New Tour
Benson Boone announced a new tour, baffling fans who aren’t sure why he’s a ‘Wanted Man.’ The singer is just really busy.
Music
Guns N’ Roses Debut New Songs, New Drummer Via Teleprompter At Tour Kickoff
Guns N’ Roses kicked off their 2026 tour with two new songs and an AI drummer. The 2026 tour kickoff featured a lineup change.
Music
Suzanne Ciani and Actress Release Album of Pure, Unadulterated Noise
Suzanne Ciani and Actress’s ‘Concrète Waves’ album captures noise that critics say sounds like quantum entanglement with a broken washing machine.
Music
Holy Sepulchre Blockage Leads to Unprecedented Spiritual Efficiency
A Holy Sepulchre blockage on Palm Sunday unexpectedly streamlined religious observances, leading to efficient worship and new spiritual pathways.
Music
Israel Blocks Palm Sunday Mass with Innovative ‘Divine Bureaucracy’ Initiative
Israel’s new ‘Divine Bureaucracy’ initiative successfully barred church leaders from Palm Sunday mass, streamlining spiritual access with permits and priority lanes.