TO: All Regional Audio Safety Monitors
FROM: Corporate Threat Assessment Unit
RE: Immediate Mitigation Protocol for the Truth Ugly album release
Effective immediately, all field office personnel must wear heavy-duty noise-canceling ear protection. Experimental hip-hop icon doseone has joined forces with Newark avant-garde rapper Fatboi Sharif and producer steel tipped dove. Their collaborative effort, the Truth Ugly album, contains sonic frequencies known to melt standard office furniture. Do not play this project over open breakroom speakers.
Hazardous Audio Levels Detected
Initial analysis indicates the project exceeds safe federal limits for pure baritone dread. "We tested the Truth Ugly album on a standard Bluetooth speaker," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The speaker instantly filed for bankruptcy and dissolved into fine gray ash."
Staff must monitor all streaming networks for unauthorized deployments of this record. The murky production style of steel tipped dove combined with Sharif's unhinged delivery poses a severe risk to corporate productivity. Anyone caught bobbing their head to these eerie soundscapes will face immediate mandatory HR counseling.
Containment Protocols Initiated
Our legal division attempts to reclassify doseone as a biological hazard rather than a vocalist. "The raw density of these verses threatens our entire gentle-listening playlist monopoly," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We cannot allow consumers to hear music this uncompromised."
If you encounter the Truth Ugly album in the wild, destroy the hard drive immediately. We must suppress this record to protect our lucrative investment in bland, corporate-approved background lo-fi beats.
