ANCHORAGE—Federal prosecutors presented shocking testimony Thursday in the ongoing investigation into the second Dan Sullivan ballot scheme. Under oath, a witness detailed how political campaigns routinely recruit candidates with identical names to confuse voters.
Q: Please state your name for the record.
A: My name is Daniel S. Sullivan. No, not that one. The other one. The one paid $50,000 to move into a cabin near Anchorage last April.
Q: Mr. Sullivan, who hired you to run for the United States Senate?
A: A guy named Dan. He worked for a firm that specializes in democratic redundancy. They found me on a commercial fishing vessel. They asked if I liked the name Dan Sullivan. I said it was fine. They gave me a clipboard and a fleece vest instantly.
Q: Did you perform any campaign duties?
A: I stood near hardware stores. I waved at voters. Sometimes I signed my own name on official forms. That was literally the whole job. But then things expanded quickly. The entire political industry does this now. Last month, I met four different men named Lisa Murkowski in a diner outside Juneau.
Q: Are you testifying that political parties actively clone the entire ballot?
A: Absolutely. It is an open secret in Alaska politics. My supervisor told me they already have three Don Youngs in cold storage. They have a guy named Peltola living in a basement in Fairbanks just waiting for a call. It saves millions on bumper stickers.
Q: So the second Dan Sullivan was just the beginning?
A: Sir, there are currently seven Dan Sullivans in this courtroom right now. Two of us are bailiffs. The court reporter is also named Dan Sullivan. We are cheap to run and we pull five percent of the vote automatically.
At press time, the defense requested a brief recess after realizing the presiding judge was also a legally registered second Dan Sullivan.
