PHILADELPHIA— Members of beloved emo acts The Starting Line and Algernon Cadwallader have released a groundbreaking new format. Their Debut FILM Album, titled Permanence, officially debuted last Tuesday. Fans grappled with the implications. The collaborative project features nine tracks. Each ‘track’ is a 45-minute experimental art house film. The collective, named ‘The Cadwallader Line,’ promised a ‘full sensory experience.’
Revolutionizing Listening?
Dr. Evelyn ‘Eve’ Sinclair, Professor of Media Archaeology at the University of Pennsylvania, expressed profound bewilderment. ‘We’ve been searching for the ‘play’ button for two hours,’ she admitted. ‘The accompanying vinyl only contains ambient soundscapes from the film’s catering tent.’ The lead ‘single,’ ‘Roundabout,’ is a sprawling three-hour epic. It depicts a single, unedited shot of a traffic circle at rush hour. A subtle bassline reportedly underpins the honking horns. Listeners were encouraged to ‘engage with the narrative.’ Many found themselves simply engaging with other forms of media.
Critical Confusion
Joe Reinhart, guitarist for Algernon Cadwallader and co-creator, defended the format. ‘We wanted to challenge perceptions of what an album could be,’ Reinhart stated. ‘Turns out, it can be a really long movie where nothing happens. Art is pain.’ The Permanence package includes a Blu-ray, a Betamax tape, and an 8-track cartridge. Each format contains only a different segment of the film. Consumers must own all three antiquated players to experience the entire Debut FILM Album. Retailers reported unprecedented returns. Many customers cited ‘lack of music’ and ‘too much existential dread’ as reasons for dissatisfaction. The band remained steadfast in their artistic vision. Some fans praised the ambition, if not the execution.
At press time, the band announced a ‘live tour’ consisting solely of projecting the Debut FILM Album onto abandoned buildings, free of charge.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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