CONCORD, NH—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide product recall today for the latest New Hampshire primary results. Federal inspectors discovered a critical manufacturing defect in the democracy. The agency urges citizens to immediately stop consuming the election numbers.
Severe Risk Of Public Confusion
The recall affects approximately 342,000 cast ballots across the Granite State. Regulators issued the warning after the data began behaving erratically. Many of the New Hampshire primary results appeared to spin rapidly in reverse during a routine safety audit. Officials traced the error to a faulty batch of political hope.
"We noticed a dangerous instability in the numbers," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The outcomes did not align with our standard predictive projections. If left unchecked, these defective statistics could cause severe cognitive dissonance in voters. We recommend returning them to the manufacturer." The agency advises the public to consult official guidelines on Federal Election Commission safety standards before attempting to discuss the outcome.
Mandatory Remedies For Voters
No injuries have been reported yet. However, the government warns that exposure to the unverified data may cause mild nausea. Voters should monitor the situation closely. The state will issue full refunds in the form of tax credits. A replacement primary will not occur until technicians recalibrate the local polling booths.
"We take quality control very seriously," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "We cannot allow defective New Hampshire primary results to circulate in the wild. Our teams are currently scouring the state to round up the loose statistics." Affected consumers should return their physical vote stubs to any participating post office.
At press time, federal workers were seen sweeping loose percentages off the streets of Manchester with brooms.
