ATLANTA— The legal aftermath of the smash hit Wait For U reached a boiling point in federal court today. A transcript from the proceedings revealed how the track permanently altered modern music publishing standards.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Barnaby Quill. I serve as Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs.
Q: Mr. Quill, can you explain how the success of Wait For U impacted the market?
A: Gladly. When Future dropped that track, toxicity became an asset class. We noticed immediate returns on emotionally manipulative text messages. Drake and Tems provided institutional backing. Suddenly, toxic behavior carried a AAA credit rating.
Q: Is it true that major labels now force artists to sign emotional liability waivers?
A: Yes. Every contract now includes a mandatory Wait For U clause. Artists must prove they possess at least three unread messages from an ex. Otherwise, the streaming services withhold royalties entirely.
Q: Are you testifying that the entire recording industry relies on fake heartbreak?
A: Not just fake heartbreak. We commodified late-night regret. Last quarter, streaming algorithms prioritized tracks written after 2:00 AM. If an artist sleeps well, their market capitalization plunges immediately.
Q: So the entire chart system is a rigged psychological operation?
A: Correct. And we could not have done it without the blueprint set by Wait For U.
