WASHINGTON— The following transcript contains testimony from the House Judiciary Subcommittee on Indie Nostalgia regarding the newly announced Two Door Cinema Club 2027 tour.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record.
A: Arthur Pendelton. I am the Director of Millennial Retention for Live Nation.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, why did your agency approve the Two Door Cinema Club 2027 tour three full calendar years in advance?
A: The math dictated it. We ran the algorithms. If a 35-year-old male does not hear the intro guitar riff from 'What You Know' every 36 months, his hair line recedes an extra inch.
Q: Is it true that support act Friendly Fires is legally required to play 'Paris' until the sun dies?
A: Yes. We locked that contract in 2011. They tried to record a new album in 2019. We threw the master tapes in the Potomac.
Q: So this entire Two Door Cinema Club 2027 tour is just a bio-mechanical scheme to force-feed 2010 festival anthems to aging hipsters?
A: It is bigger than that. Agnes Periwinkle, our Head of Audience Sedation, proved that playing Tourist History in its entirety lowers blood pressure in former blog-house DJs. It prevents social unrest.
Q: Did you conspire with streaming platforms to manipulate the algorithm?
A: We bribed Spotify. Every time someone finishes a Phoenix track, the server forcibly redirects them to the Two Door Cinema Club 2027 tour ticket queue. There is no escape. The cycle never ends.
