LOS ANGELES— In a legal maneuver that has left court stenographers stumped by the sheer audacity of paperwork, FKA twigs Sues Shia LaBeouf Over NDA In Sexual Battery Settlement. The acclaimed singer, born Tahliah Debrett Barnett, filed the new lawsuit Tuesday. It alleges LaBeouf’s attempts to enforce a non-disclosure agreement are illegal. She had previously mentioned not feeling safe in an interview. This simple statement triggered an arbitration demand from LaBeouf’s legal team.
The Cost of Not Speaking
Legal scholars across the nation scrambled for new definitions. They sought to redefine “silence” as a legally actionable utterance. The initial settlement included a standard non-disclosure agreement. LaBeouf’s team, however, interpreted twigs’ recent interview as a direct violation. She told The Hollywood Reporter that she “didn’t feel safe.”
“We maintain that ‘not feeling safe’ is a profoundly verbose statement,” declared Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Finch, Esq., Chief Oratorical Enforcement Officer at LaBeouf & Associates. “It implies a lack of safety. This implication breaches the spirit of contractual non-disclosure. Our client desires a complete absence of any communicated thought or feeling. This includes feelings about a lack thereof.” Finch adjusted his monocle. He clarified that even a thoughtful glance could be considered a gesture of communication.
Future of Expressive Avoidance
The arbitration demand was eventually dismissed. Still, the new lawsuit from FKA twigs Sues Shia LaBeouf Over NDA again. Her lawyers argue the NDA’s enforcement illegally attempts to silence victims. This legal battle could set a dangerous precedent. It might redefine basic human interaction as a breach of contract. Upcoming legal textbooks are expected to include new chapters. These will detail the nuances of silent emotional conveyance.
“This whole situation is a linguistic Gordian knot,” stated Dr. Philomena ‘Philly’ Phonics, Dean of Tacit Communication Studies at the University of Southern California (USC). “Soon, blinking could be a subpoena-worthy act. We are advising all students to communicate exclusively via pre-approved emoji sequences. Or perhaps interpretive dance. But only if it’s explicitly non-narrative.” More information on the original settlement can be found here.
At press time, sources close to the case reported that lawyers for FKA twigs were considering filing an additional suit. They alleged LaBeouf’s very existence constituted a form of non-verbal harassment.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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