SAN FRANCISCO— Grammarly’s new ‘expert review’ feature launched this week. It promised insights from “the world’s greatest writers.” Users, however, found no actual literary figures. Instead, they received feedback from an algorithm. The algorithm claimed to channel literary giants.
A Pantheon of Pretenders
The feature purports to offer “personalized feedback.” It sources advice from a diverse pool. This includes William Shakespeare and Beyoncé. Also, a senior product manager at a blockchain startup. Grammarly Go powers these insights. Users described the advice as “surprisingly generic.”
“I was excited for advice from Fyodor Dostoevsky,” said Brenda ‘Bree’ Jenkins, 47, a freelance cat whisperer and aspiring haiku poet from Omaha. “Instead, it told me to ‘vary my sentence structure.’ Dostoevsky would never be so bland.” Jenkins had submitted a poem about a particularly aloof Siamese.
The Uncanny Valley of Vocabulary
The ‘expert review’ also cited several tech journalists. They were credited with improving “narrative flow.” One review suggested adding more “synergy” to a short story. Another advised “optimizing reader engagement.” TechCrunch was a frequently cited source for “authoritative prose.”
“Our AI has meticulously studied countless texts,” stated Dr. Algorithma Prime, Chief Linguistic Impersonator at Grammarly. “It can perfectly mimic the tone of any genius. Even those who wrote before electricity.” Dr. Prime demonstrated the feature. It suggested replacing “said” with “uttered dramatically, as if contemplating the void.”
One user reported feedback attributed to Ernest Hemingway. It suggested “more adverbs.” This left many literary scholars “visibly confused.” Another, from Jane Austen, advised “less societal critique.” The feature promised to evolve.
At press time, Grammarly’s ‘expert review’ offered a new suggestion. It recommended “writing with the bold confidence of a truly unoriginal thought.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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