LOS ANGELES— The release of John Dwyer’s new OSEES EP, Cara Maluco, and a new Damaged Bug single, “Over-Exposed,” reportedly caused a brief but discernible wobble in the space-time continuum early Thursday. Residents across Southern California reported feeling an inexplicable urge to start several new projects simultaneously. Some also experienced a sudden, fleeting memory of a band they hadn’t yet heard.
The Auditory Tectonic Shift
Geologists at the California Institute of Technology initially dismissed seismic readings as faulty equipment. They soon revised their assessment. “We observed a unique waveform,” stated Dr. Evelyn Pym, Head of Sonic Seismology at Caltech. “It correlated precisely with the EP’s digital distribution. Our models suggest the sheer kinetic energy of Mr. Dwyer’s prolific output now manifests physically.” The OSEES EP’s unexpected arrival followed months of ‘Dwyer-induced atmospheric pressure changes.’ So say experts. The OSEES Bandcamp page itself seemed to vibrate with an unseen energy.
Reports indicate that small objects, mainly unread books and half-finished kombucha, briefly levitated in various Los Angeles apartments. Public transit schedules experienced minor, inexplicable delays. Drivers reported momentarily forgetting their destination before a sudden, dissonant riff brought them back to reality.
Damaged Bug’s Over-Exposure
The Damaged Bug single, “Over-Exposed,” added to the general disarray. It reportedly caused a ripple effect in local broadcast signals. Several television channels temporarily displayed only static, accompanied by an unsettling synth drone. “My cat started speaking in tongues for about five minutes,” reported Agnes Periwinkle, 78, of Silver Lake. “He then demanded ‘something more primitive.’ I believe he meant ‘less synth-heavy.'”
Authorities are urging calm. They advise citizens to maintain at least a five-foot radius from any high-fidelity audio equipment playing Dwyer’s material. “While we appreciate creative expression, we must prioritize public safety,” commented Mayor Reginald “Reggie” Wiffle of San Dimas. “We’re implementing a new ‘Dwyer-Free Zone’ around essential infrastructure.” The new single is available for those brave enough to listen at their own risk.
Cultural critics are also weighing in. Brenda Carmichael, author of “Is Too Much Art Actually Just Noise?”, suggested a moratorium. “We’re reaching peak Dwyer,” she warned. “The cultural landscape simply cannot absorb this much output without fracturing.”
At press time, a small, independent record store spontaneously combusted after attempting to stock every single John Dwyer release.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
Related stories: Critics Demand Public Devour All 8 New Albums Instantly Dogstar Reunites, Announces New Album “All In Now” To Universal Indifference Katie Alice Greer’s ‘Perfect Woman Sound Machine’ Unveils ‘Unglued’ Sound
