CHICAGO— A federal court unsealed transcripts today revealing a massive conspiracy behind the newly announced Lollapalooza 2027 lineup, which features Travis Scott, Charli XCX, and The Killers across Argentina, Brazil, and Chile. Attorneys represent a class of exhausted festivalgoers who claim the industry has recycled the exact same three headliners since the Obama administration. The following transcript excerpt details the cross-examination of a prominent industry insider.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
A: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. I oversee festival roster legacy management.
Q: Mr. Flense, let us discuss the Lollapalooza 2027 lineup. Why are Brandon Flowers and Travis Scott headlining Santiago again?
A: It is a matter of efficiency. We patented a cloning algorithm in 2022. We simply clone The Killers at the border. It saves on business class airfare.
Q: Are you saying the Brandon Flowers performing in Buenos Aires is not the original Brandon Flowers?
A: The original Brandon Flowers has lived in a biosphere in Idaho since 2018. The one performing 'Mr. Brightside' in São Paulo is a bio-synthetic unit programmed to only crave empanadas and crowd validation.
Q: What about Charli XCX? Her fans expect constant evolution.
A: We uploaded her consciousness into the mainframe during her 'Brat' promotional cycle. She exists now as a localized weather pattern of green fog. We just spray her over the audience.
Q: This court finds that highly irregular. You are charging $400 a ticket for recycled hologram projections and weather anomalies.
A: Counsel, if we let new bands headline, we would have to listen to new music. Nobody wants that. The algorithm demands we repeat the Lollapalooza 2027 lineup until the heat death of the universe.
