TO: All Regional Ground Operations
FROM: Directorate of Orbital Optics
RE: Recent Starlink sabotage incidents and standard operating procedures
Immediate Security Upgrades
Management noted the recent satellite station fire in Poland. We applaud the dramatic imagery. However, current Starlink sabotage events lack proper brand synergy. Moving forward, all arson attempts on satellite arrays must feature larger, photogenic flames. Silent electrical fires do not drive engagement on social media.
"Our ground hardware must burn with intent," said Marek Kowalski, Senior Vice President of Atmospheric Drama. "If rival agents target our infrastructure, they must use colorful fireworks. We need high-contrast explosions for our livestream feeds."
New Protocol Guidelines
Staff must not extinguish any active Starlink sabotage until photojournalists arrive. Security teams will supply arsonists with high-visibility jackets. This ensures optimal lighting for evening news broadcasts. Employees must also play energetic techno music during any ongoing security breaches.
"We are optimizing our crisis response for maximum online virality," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "A boring property crime is a wasted marketing opportunity. Every blaze should look like a blockbuster movie trailer."
Finally, field teams must ensure all future Starlink sabotage target sites have pre-installed smoke machines. We require all global outages to look completely intentional, glorious, and futuristic.
