WASHINGTON— A federal antitrust hearing took a dark turn on Tuesday during testimony regarding the recent Rosalía Fontaines DC collaboration on the single 'Where Is Gone?' Prosecution attorneys alleged that the Irish post-punk band and Spanish pop superstar merged operations to monopolize global melancholia. The court examined whether blending orchestral swells with brooding spoken-word vocals violates the Sherman Antitrust Act by cornering the market on staring blankly out of rain-slicked bus windows.
DISTRICT COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
CASE NO. 24-CR-8819: U.S. V. CONSOLIDATED SORROW LLC
Q: State your full name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Wren Adebayo-Kowalski. I serve as the Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. I also consult for XL Recordings.
Q: Mr. Adebayo-Kowalski, let us discuss this Rosalía Fontaines DC collaboration. Who authorized this level of emotional devastation on a single track?
A: It was an industry-wide initiative, Counselor. Spotify metrics showed that listeners were suffering from a severe deficit of cinematic despair. We needed a pairing so intensely somber that it would force millions to cancel their weekend plans.
Q: Is it true that the orchestral arrangements were specifically designed to bypass human defense mechanisms?
A: Yes. We tested the violins on lab mice first. Half of them immediately started wearing black trench coats. The other half applied for arts council grants in Dublin.
Q: So you admit the Rosalía Fontaines DC collaboration was a coordinated effort to control the global supply of heartache?
A: Control it? Sir, we manufactured it. Major labels have pooled their resources since 2019. Rosalía provided the transcendent flamenco-infused longing. The band provided the damp Irish weather. Universal Music Group controls the global water supply to ensure everyone feels vaguely hydrated yet hollow.
Q: Are you telling this court that all modern indie crossovers are rigged by a shadow cartel?
A: Absolutely. Every sad duets playlist is engineered in a bunker under Zurich. We force artists to stare into a dark room until they write an aching ballad. If they refuse, we delete their master tapes.
Q: Good God. No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
At press time, the presiding judge ordered an immediate injunction against the song after three bailiffs spontaneously began weeping and reading 20th-century poetry.
