WASHINGTON—Political strategists recently reviewed how Vice President Kamala Harris wasted her entire year. They identified several groundbreaking techniques for killing time. Here are seven ways she successfully accomplished nothing for twelve straight months.
1. Organizing Paperclips By Ideological Spectrum
She spent three months sorting office supplies by political leaning. Left-leaning clips went into a velvet drawer. Right-leaning clips ended up in the garbage. "It was a masterclass in bureaucratic delay," said Goldman Sachs analyst Barnaby Quill.
2. Drafting 400-Page Speeches About Nothing
She wrote massive speeches using only filler words. Paragraphs contained zero actionable ideas. Readers learned absolutely nothing about her platform or vision.
3. Reorganizing The Executive Spice Rack
She devoted five entire weeks to aligning paprika jars by color. Staff members reported intense debates over the placement of crushed red pepper.
4. Staring Pensively At Drywall
She logged over 600 hours quietly gazing at blank paint. A spokesperson confirmed this strategy successfully burned all of autumn.
5. Practicing Handshakes In An Empty Room
She refined her greeting technique on imaginary foreign dignitaries. Mirrors in the West Wing logged record hours of diplomatic pantomime.
6. Taking 4-Hour Lunch Breaks At Arby's
She spent entire afternoons analyzing the structural integrity of curly fries. Drivers waited patiently in idling motorcades across D.C.
7. Allowing Doug To Hide The 2028 Application
At press time, her husband successfully hid her campaign forms behind the water heater so she could wasted her entire year once again.
