LOS ALAMOS, NM—Magic Tuber Stringband announced their new album, Heavy Water, last Tuesday. The North Carolina-based trio claims the album possesses unique capabilities. They say it can remediate radioactive waste through traditional Appalachian folk music. Early listeners expressed both confusion and a faint metallic taste.
A Soothing, Yet Nuclear, Sound
The lead single, “Tribute To The Angels,” premiered with little fanfare. Its gentle banjo and fiddle harmonies belie a more ambitious goal. Band members believe the track’s specific frequency patterns neutralize isotopes. This theory remains unproven by any scientific body. Dr. Evelyn C. Thorium, Head of Radiative Acoustics at MIT, expressed skepticism. “We appreciate the artistic endeavor,” Dr. Thorium stated. “However, gamma rays are not typically swayed by a spirited jig.” She noted that the band had sent them “several large barrels of what they called ‘Heavy Water samples’ for analysis.” More information on heavy water and its properties can be found here.
Magic Tuber Stringband formed as a duo, expanding to a trio for Heavy Water. Fiddler Courtney Werner and 12-string guitarist Evan Morgan were joined by bassist/banjoist Pip Hoover. Morgan, self-proclaimed “Nuclear Bard,” outlined their methodology. “We channel the ancient spirits of the Appalachians,” Morgan explained. “They knew how to deal with earthly burdens. Radioactivity is just another burden, perhaps a very fast-moving one.” He added that their music offered a “spiritual barrier” against atomic decay.
Early Test Results: Inconclusive, But Humid
Preliminary tests conducted by the band themselves yielded mixed results. A small vial of “slightly glowing liquid” reportedly “stopped glowing quite as much” after repeated listenings. Scientific observers noted the vial was then “quite warm to the touch.” The band plans a tour of various superfund sites next spring. They hope to perform “live remediation sessions.” Fans of traditional Appalachian music are advised to bring Geiger counters. Learn more about the genre’s rich history here.
At press time, a government agency confirmed the band’s latest album shipment to Washington D.C. now requires full hazmat suit handling.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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