Business
Ships Positioned For Oil Flow After Gulf Strait Reopens
Ships are ready for oil flow after Gulf strait reopens. Nations express relief as global economy braces for normalcy.
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Music
Neutro Shorty’s ‘El Disco de Salsa’ Declared Best New Music By Vote
Neutro Shorty’s ‘El Disco de Salsa’ is this week’s favorite new music. Fans chose salsa over other genres, proving joy is king.
Music
Pearl Jam to Reveal New Drummer: ‘It’s Our Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma’
Pearl Jam will reveal their new drummer in September, calling it ‘our mystery wrapped in an enigma.’ The band seeks to add intrigue.
Music
Feeble Little Horse Announce New Album Bitknot: A Sonic Leap Forward
Feeble Little Horse’s new album Bitknot drops next week. It promises more existential dread and catchy noise-pop.
Politics
Khanna Expresses Disappointment About Massie’s Defeat, Cites Lack of Existential Dread
Rep. Ro Khanna mourned Thomas Massie’s defeat, citing a lack of existential dread. He called it a loss for political despair.
Music
Drake Makes History With Nos. 1, 2 & 3 on Billboard 200
Drake makes history, holding Nos. 1, 2 & 3 on the Billboard 200 with his new albums, proving his unparalleled chart dominance.
Music
Drake Ties Fleetwood Mac, Rolling Stones; Fans Rejoice With “Rumours”
Drake ties Fleetwood Mac and The Rolling Stones for weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard 200. Fans are confused, listening to ‘Rumours.’
Music
Trump Secures ‘Winnable War’ After Cuba Agrees to Surrender in Principle
Former President Donald Trump finally secured his long-sought winnable war on Cuba, receiving a conditional surrender before hostilities even began.
Music
Trump’s $1.776B Fund Revealed as ‘Patriotic Lawn Gnomes’ Initiative
Controversy surrounding Trump’s $1.776B Fund dissolved today. Its true purpose? Funding America’s burgeoning patriotic lawn gnome industry.
Music
Republican Hawks Warn of ‘Disastrous Mistake’ in Trump Iran Deal: Fewer Fireworks
Lawmakers fear peace could make upcoming summer barbecues significantly less exciting.
World
Hypersonic Missile Misses Target, Incinerates World’s Largest Ham Sandwich
A Russian hypersonic missile missed its target, instead incinerating the world’s largest ham sandwich at a Kyiv festival, baffling experts and sandwich lovers.
Music
Kali Uchis Kicks Off For the Girls Tour, Reveals Album Done for Years
Kali Uchis kicked off her For the Girls Tour, casually mentioning a ‘whole album done’ since before the pandemic, leaving fans wondering what else she’s been holding.
Music
Powerball Winning Numbers Spark Nationwide Existential Crisis
The Powerball winning numbers 1-2-3-4-5-6 were announced, plunging the nation into existential dread as millions realized they’d missed their chance.
Music
Experts Blame ‘Jenga-Inspired’ Design for Philippines Building Collapse
A satirical article about a Philippines building collapse. Experts blame a ‘Jenga-Inspired’ design philosophy for the structural failure of a luxury condo.
Music
Trump’s DOJ Fund Sparks Nationwide Gold Rush for Grievances
Trump’s DOJ Fund opens, igniting a claims rush for everything from deep-state pillow sabotage to traumatized lawn gnomes. Absurdity reigns.
Music
Kouri Richins Jurors Overwhelmed by ‘Too Many’ Evidence Binders, Declare Case a Draw
Kouri Richins jurors declared a mistrial after being overwhelmed by the sheer physical weight of evidence binders, leading to calls for new ‘evidence-lite’ trials.
World
DHS Causes Unforeseen Homeland Security Anxiety in Lawmakers
A new report reveals that Homeland Security’s efforts have inadvertently triggered widespread Homeland Security anxiety among politicians, crippling legislative work.
World
Orange County Chemical Leak Blamed on Area’s Overabundance of ‘Good Vibes’
An Orange County chemical leak was officially blamed on the region’s overwhelming “good vibes” and excessive optimism, prompting a new state initiative for mandatory mood moderation.