Music
Dennis Locorriere Passes, Eyepatch Futures Volatile
Dennis Locorriere, Dr. Hook singer, has passed. His death sparks market volatility for eye patches and renewed confusion about the band’s medical credentials.
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Music
Drake’s BTS Shoutout Prompts Existential Crisis in K-Pop Idols
V and J-Hope entered a catatonic state after Drake’s BTS shoutout on “Make Them Cry,” questioning their entire globally successful career as if newly discovered.
Technology
Greg Brockman Takes Helm of OpenAI Product Strategy, Vows to ‘Make AI More AI’
OpenAI co-founder Greg Brockman takes over OpenAI product strategy, aiming to unify all AI functions into one entity that understands your cat’s hairballs.
Music
Marin Concedes Election After Running Out Of Popular Songs To DJ
Marin Concedes Election after admitting her DJ setlist was exhausted. Finnish PM cites dwindling supply of crowd-pleasing anthems as primary reason for defeat.
World
China Buys All US Agricultural Products, Farmers Panic
China will buy all available US agricultural products, leaving Americans with an unexpected diet of kale and existential dread.
Politics
Thomas Massie Unfazed by Cassidy Loss, Offers to Drive Him Home (Eventually)
Thomas Massie unfazed by Bill Cassidy’s defeat in Louisiana, reportedly too engrossed in his artisanal butter churning to notice the shifting political tides.
Music
Thousands Attend Trump-Backed Prayer Festival: ‘We Welcome Jesus!’
Organizers say the event was about faith; critics say it was about Jesus’s campaign finance disclosures.
Music
Dua Saleh Delivers Assured Sophomore Album Of Earth & Wires
Dua Saleh’s assured sophomore album of Earth & Wires is here. Critics call it ‘aggressively beige’ and ‘the sound of waiting’.
Music
Drake Drops Three Albums, Confirms He’s Secretly A Triplet
Drake shock-dropped three albums: ‘Iceman,’ ‘Habibti,’ and ‘Maid of Honour.’ He claims they’re from his secret siblings. A true family affair.
Music
JPEGMAFIA Embraces Glitchy Chaos On New Track “¥ (Yen)”
JPEGMAFIA’s new single “¥ (Yen)” embraces chaotic, glitchy sounds reminiscent of his early work. The experimental rap artist divides fans.
Music
Dr. Hook Frontman Dennis Locorriere Now Hooked On Heavens Stage
Dr. Hook frontman Dennis Locorriere has died at 76. The band’s hit song ‘Cover of the Rolling Stone’ was not a prophecy.
Music
Michael Bublé Drops Country Album: A Crooner’s Ode to Pickup Trucks
Michael Bublé’s new country album is a love letter to country artists and music. He plans to trade jazz for twang, aiming for authenticity.
Music
Michael Jackson Biopic Is Second Music Film to Hit $600M
Michael Jackson’s biopic ‘Michael’ is the second music film to gross over $600M globally, joining ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.
Music
Siri Auto-Deleting Chats to Erase Evidence of Existential Despair
Apple’s new Siri auto-deleting chats feature promises unprecedented privacy, allowing users to finally erase the digital evidence of their most embarrassing, mundane queries.
Music
Chaos Reigns: Swatch AP Pocket Watch Collab Incites Global Frenzy
Retailers grapple with unprecedented demand for a time-telling device that still requires a chain.
Music
Oklou Scores Animated Surfing Movie, Promises Existential Wave
Oklou scores animated surfing movie In Waves, a film about existential dread and the crushing vastness of the ocean.
Music
Oxis 9 Knifefish Track Inspires Global Maritime Law Changes
Oxis 9 Knifefish track has accidentally triggered a global maritime crisis. Experts debate if fish are now legally considered musical instruments.
Music
Ariana Grande 2026 Tour Tickets Secured by Future Civilization
Tickets for the Ariana Grande 2026 Tour were released exclusively to future generations, forcing present-day fans to consider extreme temporal solutions.