Music
Posthumous Ed Askew Album Features Bill Callahan, Sharon Van Etten
A posthumous Ed Askew album featuring Bill Callahan and Sharon Van Etten is set for release. Tapes were found in a dumpster.
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Music
Moses Sumney’s Debut Film Soundtrack Will Finally Explain Why His Hats Are So Big
Moses Sumney’s debut film soundtrack is out soon. Fans are eager for clues about his famously large hats.
Music
Party Dozen Announces ‘Special Unit’ Tour, Promises Extreme Saxophone
Party Dozen’s ‘Special Unit’ tour promises tactical saxophone deployment and sonic assault. Prepare for extreme noise.
Music
Tyondai Braxton Announces ‘Splayed Werks’ Album, Promises Existential Dread
Tyondai Braxton announced his new album Splayed Werks, promising music that explores existential dread and the listener’s insignificance. He released two singles.
Music
Son Lux Announces New Album, Finally Answers That Question
Son Lux’s new album, ‘Out Into,’ directly answers the question: ‘Are we having this conversation?’
Music
Beartooth Announces ‘Pure Ecstasy’ Tour, Promises Existential Dread
Beartooth’s ‘Pure Ecstasy’ tour promises catharsis and chaos. Fans prepare for intense performances and existential dread.
Business
Stock Market Today: Inflation Fears Spark Mass Bond Selloff; Investors Flee for Safety
The stock market today saw a massive bond selloff driven by inflation fears. Investors fled to safer assets, leaving many confused.
Music
Olivia Rodrigo Declares New Single ‘The Cure’ Her Favorite Song
Olivia Rodrigo says her new single ‘The Cure’ is her favorite song. Fans wonder if the album is okay.
Music
Lykke Li Reflects on Drake’s Whispered Nod, Begins Renaming Rivers After Rapper
Lykke Li reflects on Drake’s subtle sample on ‘Iceman,’ interpreting the faint kazoo melody as a direct message from the rapper and taking drastic action.
Politics
Bluest House Seat Redistricting Sparks Existential Crisis Over Shade
Bluest House Seat Redistricting efforts have plunged local Democrats into an existential crisis, fearing their district might become mere “cerulean” or “indigo.”
Music
Nation Confused As Citizens Report To Polls For ‘Big Primary Day’ Without Clear Instructions
Nation’s citizens dutifully flocked to polling places for ‘Big Primary Day,’ only to find ballots filled with generic options like ‘Things’ and ‘Better Parking.’
Music
Jungkook Designs First Clothing Line, Promises It Will ‘Fit Perfectly’
Jungkook launches his first clothing line, promising perfect fit. Fans debate sizing while praising his fashion vision.
Music
Smashing Pumpkins Announce Mellon Collie 30th Anniversary Tour A Year Late
The Smashing Pumpkins announced their Mellon Collie 30th anniversary tour, a year after the actual anniversary. Corgan cited cosmic reasons.
Music
Smirk’s New Album ‘Speculative Fiction’ Explores Deeply Unsettling Concepts
Smirk’s new album ‘Speculative Fiction’ uses ‘Dog Years’ to explore existential dread and the rapid passage of time.
Music
Ella Langley’s 2026 Tour Tickets Sell Out Instantly Amidst National Singalong Crisis
Tickets for Ella Langley’s 2026 tour sold out instantly. This triggered a national crisis of uncontrollable yodeling and spontaneous singing.
World
Weather Firm Blots Out Sun With New App, Forces Subscription
AcuRite’s new app forces users to pay for features, ditching its old, functional app. Customers feel like they’re stuck in a perpetual drizzle of disappointment.
Music
Dennis Locorriere Passes, Eyepatch Futures Volatile
Dennis Locorriere, Dr. Hook singer, has passed. His death sparks market volatility for eye patches and renewed confusion about the band’s medical credentials.
Music
Drake’s BTS Shoutout Prompts Existential Crisis in K-Pop Idols
V and J-Hope entered a catatonic state after Drake’s BTS shoutout on “Make Them Cry,” questioning their entire globally successful career as if newly discovered.