Music
National Mall Prayer Event Erects Literal Church and State Wall
A National Mall prayer event inadvertently materialized the symbolic wall between church and state into a literal granite barrier, causing bureaucratic chaos.
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Music
Cassidy Loses Primary, GOP Primary Now Just A Trump-Branded Claw Machine
Senator Bill Cassidy loses primary after an algorithm determines the outcome. Voters were spared the inconvenience of actually voting.
Music
Nick Hakim’s ‘Real Here Now’ & ‘Water’ Deemed Too Chill for Public Consumption
Nick Hakim’s new singles “Real Here Now” and “Water” have inadvertently caused an epidemic of extreme tranquility. Governments struggle to re-energize a blissfully inert populace.
Music
The Field’s *Now You Exist* Album Creates Millions of New Beings
The Field’s new album, *Now You Exist*, reportedly caused millions of new sentient beings to spontaneously appear, baffling scientists.
Music
Columbia Records Grapples with Indie-Sounding Bb Trickz ‘Le Le’
Columbia Records is reportedly baffled by Bb Trickz’s new single “Le Le,” which sounds surprisingly indie despite major label backing. Executives are confused.
Music
Jane Remover’s Leroy Drops ‘Status Update Music,’ Confuses Entire Industry
Jane Remover, now known as Leroy, dropped ‘Status Update Music,’ an album with track titles eerily familiar to existing hits, sparking widespread confusion.
Music
Drake Sets New Spotify Stream Record, World Wonders ‘When Will It Stop?’
Drake is Spotify’s Most-Streamed Artist in a Day for 2026 again, releasing three new albums. Fans report sonic fatigue, wondering when his output will cease.
Music
Kurt Vile Debuts New Song “Every Time I Look At You” On The Adam Friedland Show, Stuns Audience
Kurt Vile debuted his new song “Every Time I Look At You” on The Adam Friedland Show. The ballad about a houseplant stunned the audience.
Music
The Avalanches Release Single “Together” and World Declares It “Nice”
The Avalanches’ new single “Together” is out. Listeners are calling it “a song” and “nice.” The duo continues to make music.
Music
Drake’s 18 ‘Iceman’ Videos Unveiled: A Monumental Achievement In Viewer Endurance
Drake dropped 18 ‘Iceman’ music videos. Fans are both amazed and exhausted by the epic visual undertaking. A true test of modern attention spans.
Music
Swatch Store Closures Ignite Global Panic, Threatening Civilization’s Fabric
Global panic erupts as Swatch store closures leave humanity without a coherent concept of time. Experts warn society’s fabric is unraveling.
Music
Lykke Li’s ‘I Follow Rivers’ Floats To Drake’s ‘Iceman’ Like A Drunk Swan
Lykke Li’s ‘I Follow Rivers’ lands on Drake’s album, proving songs have a life of their own.
World
Pope Leo XIV to Scrutinize French Baguette Integrity During September Visit
Pope Leo XIV’s France visit in September will scrutinize baguette quality. Vatican fears “flaccid” bread. The Pope demands optimal crust-to-crumb ratio.
Music
Committee Declares ‘Any Five Songs’ Are Best Songs of the Week
Committee tasked with selecting the Best Songs of the Week admits to picking tracks at random, citing “general musical indifference.”
Music
Hum Live Debuts Trigger Mass Nostalgia-Induced Comas at Slide Away 2026
Hum Live Debuts at Slide Away 2026 plunged attendees into temporal confusion, causing mass age regression and a sudden craving for mid-90s flannel.
Music
Cohen Reelection Bid Ends After District Becomes Sentient, Demands New Rep
Democratic Rep. Steve Cohen’s reelection bid in Tennessee ended after his newly redistricted constituency gained sentience, demanding a new human representative.
Music
Texas Detransition Clinic to Unveil “Personal Reset” Button
Texas Children’s Hospital is opening the nation’s first detransition clinic, featuring a ‘Personal Reset’ button for instant identity changes. It’s like Ctrl+Z for life choices.
Music
Chrome Hearts Lawsuit Dismissed After Brand Realizes Neil Young is Not a Scarf
The Chrome Hearts lawsuit against Neil Young has been dismissed. The luxury brand confused the rocker’s band for a new line of artisanal denim.