Music
Olivia Rodrigo Expectations Remix Requires listeners To Submit Emotional Audits
The new Olivia Rodrigo expectations remix featuring Chappell Roan requires fans to pass an emotional safety audit before streaming.
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Technology
New Galaxy Watch Sleep Feature Locks Wrist Until User Completes REM Cycle
Samsung updates the Galaxy Watch sleep feature to physically lock onto wrists until wearers achieve eight hours of mandatory rest.
Music
Product Recall Issued for Stairway To Heaven After Narnia Trailer Placement
A formal product recall has been issued for Stairway to Heaven following its unexpected inclusion in a new fantasy movie trailer.
Technology
Elon Musk Restricts Starlink Internet After Drone Accidentally Hits His Top Score
Elon Musk restricted Starlink internet access after a drone operator reportedly beat his personal high score in an online combat game.
Music
Product Recall Issued for Super Bowl Halftime Show Documentary Footage
Federal regulators issued an immediate product recall for raw Super Bowl Halftime Show documentary footage due to extreme aura hazards.
Politics
Jon Ossoff Rejects 2028 Buzz To Focus On 2036 Earth Resistance
Jon Ossoff rejects 2028 buzz to focus his political efforts on leading the human resistance movement of 2036.
Music
Marino Panic Attacks Cured Entirely by Wearing Grocery Bag
Marino panic attacks are completely cured after the viral singer puts a paper grocery bag over his head.
World
Jantar Mantar Protest Site Relocated to soundproof Underground Bunker
City officials officially relocate the Jantar Mantar protest site to a soundproof subterranean vault to ensure maximum urban harmony.
Music
Rosalía Fontaines DC Collaboration Questioned in High Stakes Music Monopoly Trial
A federal court trial reveals the Rosalía Fontaines DC collaboration was engineered by a music cartel to monopolize global melancholy.
Politics
Politician Absence Caused By Being At Home The Whole Time
A mysterious politician absence baffled analysts until photos revealed he was simply sitting on his couch with a mild flu.
Music
Metallica Stage Agenda Exposed in Shocking Federal Court Deposition
A court transcript reveals how the Metallica stage agenda policy accidentally exposed a conspiracy to replace political speeches with drum solos.
Politics
Transcript Reveals How Trump's Russian Diesel Deal Came Together
A leaked court transcript reveals the inner workings of Trump's Russian diesel deal as energy executives incriminate the entire oil industry.
Music
A$AP Rocky Australian Tour Announced After Rapper Remembers Hemisphere Exists
The A$AP Rocky Australian tour is officially set for December after the rapper spent eight years realizing the continent actually exists.
Technology
Internal Memo: Starlink Sabotage Protocols Require Louder Space Fires
A leaked memo reveals executives want any Starlink sabotage to look more dramatic for social media content.
Music
Metallica Unveils New Agendas To Influence You With Their Bullshit World Tour
Metallica announced a new tour pledging no agendas to influence you with their bullshit, right before pitching a $900 VIP brand package.
Politics
7 Creative Ways Kamala Harris Wasted Her Entire Year
A detailed look into how Kamala Harris wasted her entire year using innovative delay tactics.
Music
Billboard Charts Merge Taylor Swift and Beatles into Single Eternal Mega-Artist
Billboard charts officially combine Taylor Swift and The Beatles into one permanent mega-artist after streaming data collapses into itself.
Politics
ICE Agents Search Wrong House, Deport Whole Kitchen Table
Federal authorities celebrated after ICE agents search wrong house property and deport a six-piece mahogany dining set.