WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide recall for the Super Bowl Halftime Show documentary footage. The regulatory body cited severe psychological hazards. The upcoming film features raw tapes from the 1993 performance. Tests show the unedited footage induces prolonged catatonia. The keyphrase Super Bowl Halftime Show documentary poses immediate danger to consumers.
Hazard Overview and Physical Symptoms
Regulators analyzed preliminary edits of the documentary this week. They monitored subjects exposed to Michael Jackson standing motionless for 90 seconds. Over 80 percent of test subjects froze instantly. They refused to blink for three consecutive days. Medical staff could not snap them out of the trance.
"The sheer aura concentration exceeds federal safety limits," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Modern humans possess no natural immunity to 1990s pop presence. Exposure to this Super Bowl Halftime Show documentary footage overwhelms the brain's rhythm receptors entirely."
Affected Units and Distribution
The recall affects all digital screeners, promotional trailers, and archival hard drives containing the Super Bowl Halftime Show documentary. Approximately 4,000 units circulated to media outlets nationwide. The CPSC urges all entertainment journalists to cease playback immediately. Users must step away from their monitors.
"We observed severe baseline distortion during testing," said Arthur Pendelton, Chief Hazard Inspector for the CPSC. "One staffer watched three minutes of rehearsal footage. He immediately donated his entire 401k to a localized moonwalk foundation. The weaponized charisma levels are unprecedented."
Remedy and Instructions
Consumers must delete all local files containing the Super Bowl Halftime Show documentary. The CPSC recommends replacing the footage with low-impact audio. Approved alternatives include modern corporate hold music or dull regional podcasts. NFL Network executives promised to release a heavily diluted edit by 2027. The safe version will blur Jackson's sunglasses and insert periodic ads for lawnmowers to break the spell.
REMEDY: Return all media drives to the manufacturer immediately for disposal. At press time, inspectors attempted to contain a rogue hard drive that was currently causing an entire warehouse of postal workers to strike synchronized poses.
